Solid Ground
by colormetheworld
Summary: JJ thinks she knows what happened that day. She is wrong. Centers mostly around JJxEmily.
1. Chapter 1

It has been a long day.

No. It has been a long week. JJ nearly drags herself off the plane with the rest of her team. This last case had a decidedly ambiguous conclusion, and they are all feeling wrung out and pushed past their limit.

They straggle into the office one by one, and by the time JJ has dropped her case file back in her office, the rest of the team are all at their desks down in the pen. She glances out at them and then does a double take. Morgan and Reid are both looking up in the direction of Hotch's office, both with expressions of interest and curiosity.

"Hey," she says, stepping out of her office and heading to them. "What's up?"

"New girl," Morgan says, and JJ looks up to see a tall dark haired woman standing in front of Hotch, several files in her hands.

JJ watches the woman as she speaks, her posture straight and confident. There is something oddly familiar about her profile. It makes JJ think…of her sister.

"You are gonna burn holes in the back of her jacket if you don't cut it out," Morgan hisses at her.

JJ rolls her eyes. "Mind your business," she says.

"Look who's talking!" He shoots back. "What's up…do you know her or something?"

"I-" JJ tries to place her once more, but all she comes up with is a hazed over image of Roslyn, looking back over her shoulder, finger to her lips and a pleading look on her face. "I don't think so," she says finally. "She…reminds me of my sister for some reason."

She looks around in time to see the end of Morgan and Reid's shared look, and realizes her mistake. While the team all knows about her older sister's suicide, they've never heard her talk about anything to do with it.

"Wasn't your sister blonde like you?" Spencer asks carefully.  
JJ nods, looking back at the woman as she leans forward to shake Hotch's hand. "Yeah."

The door to Hotch's office opens, and the two step out. JJ notices that the woman makes sure she lets him out first, and then she walks a step behind him, deferring to his authority.

"Morgan, would you grab Penelope, please?" He asks, drawing nearer to their desks.

"No need, my darling, I saw on the monitor we were gathering to induct a new member into the group!" Penelope Garcia appears out of the blue, an excited smile on her face. "Right? Am I right? Tell me I'm right!"

Morgan chuckles, but JJ thinks Hotch looks a little irritated. Gideon descends the stairs as their boss starts to speak. "Everyone, please welcome Emily Prentiss. She's been assigned to the BAU, and will be beginning her probationary period with us on our next case."

Emily's smile is wide, as she shakes everyone's hand.

"Emily, these are SSAs Derek Morgan, Jason Gideon, Dr. Spencer Reid, and this is our Public Relations Liaison Jennifer Jareau."

JJ sticks out her hand, looking up into Emily Prentiss' dark eyes.

"JJ," she says. "Friends call me JJ."

The smile drops off of Emily's face. She takes JJ's hand tentatively, her expression sliding into something akin to fear. As their hands touch, as that look crosses the other woman's face, JJ is visited by another burst of memory. Far more vivid and detailed than its predecessor.

 _It is raining for the funeral. The little church on the edge of town is packed. JJ sits with her hands in her lap, staring down at her fingernails, scrubbed clean for the occasion._

 _Suddenly, the low organ music is drowned out by the sound of screaming. JJ looks up, recognizing the voice as her mother's, and then her father's. They are yelling at something, at someone, JJ realizes, and they sound angrier than they ever have before._

 _She cranes around in her seat, straining her neck to see over all the other people craning their necks to see.  
Her parents are shouting at a girl, and as JJ looks, their shouts materialize into words that shift into sentences. _

_"YOU KILLED HER. YOU KILLED MY BABY. YOU KILLED HER. HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE HERE," her mother's voice is high and hoarse. She repeats the same words hysterically, until they aren't making sense anymore. "DARE YOU MY BABY KILLED YOU HOW YOU SHOW COULD YOU YOUR FACE YOU KILLED HER."_

 _JJ's father is booming too, "I'LL BREAK YOUR GODDAMNED NECK YOU GOOD FOR NOTHING URCHIN." He shakes his finger in her face, and JJ shifts her attention to the girl._

 _A thin girl, with dark hair and dark eyes painted with too much eye liner._

 _And the look on her face._

 _The look on her face is_

 _"_ You!" JJ says, and by the way Emily pulls her hand back like she's been burned, JJ know's that she's shouted. "You!" she says again, because it seems that other words have gotten stuck in her throat.

"JJ-" Hotch sounds like he's speaking over a walkie talkie.

"How can it be you?" JJ says, raising her voice. "How did you…Where did you come from?"

Emily looks back at her, blinking quickly like she's trying to bat away tears, but her eyes are dry. _Her eyes had been dry in the church as well. What was it Mom said? Ros' died because Emily put those ideas in her head. Emily was the reason her sister could not go on living._

 _"_ Emily comes to us from Interpol," Hotch says. JJ can feel him willing her to make eye contact. She does not, she stares at the new comer like she could see inside her brain.  
"Emily's mother is Ambassador Prentiss," Hotch says, trying again. "You two know each other."

This is not necessarily posed as a question, and Emily's eyes dart over to take in her new boss before dropping to the ground.

"I spent…I was a friend of Jennifer's sister Roslyn," Emily speaks so quietly that JJ sees Spencer lean in out of the corner of her eye. Somehow, this statement seems to wake JJ up out of her haze.

"No!" she says forcefully. "You were not her friend. And you will NOT be on this team. You stay away from me!" And with that, she turns and stalks toward her office, making sure not to look at anyone as she goes.

When she gets to her door, she turns to make sure no one is looking at her, and sees that Emily Prentiss is four steps behind her.  
"I told you to stay away from me," JJ says, backing into her office.

Emily follows her inside, moving to shut the door.

"Leave it open," she spits. "What, does leave me alone mean, follow me and shut the door to my office where you come from?"

"Jennifer," Emily begins, but JJ doesn't give her a chance to finish. Emily has not called her by her nickname either time she has used her name. She does not consider them friends.

Something about this enrages JJ. "How many times did Ros tell you to leave her alone, hm? How many times did you hear whatever the hell you wanted to hear?"

If this dig stings, Emily is very good at concealing it. "I know it must be really jarring to see me after all this time. Honestly I had no idea you were working for the BAU or I wouldn't have-"

"Bullshit," JJ says. "It' been 20 years since Ros died, what…are you back for the anniversary or what?" She's pulled this out of nowhere, but once it is out, it seems plausible.  
Emily blinks, but again, her face does not betray any emotion.

"Get out of my sight," JJ says evenly. "Get out of my sight."

Emily's eyebrows contract the tiniest bit. "I lost her too," she says quickly, so lowly that for a moment JJ can only stare at her in stunned silence, trying to work out if she's heard correctly. "I lost-"

"I lost my _sister,_ " JJ shouts, and she doesn't care if they can hear her. "You lost nothing!"

Emily stares back at her, and all JJ wants is to break that calm facade. She wants Emily to cry the way her parents did that day. She wants to see the other woman break.

"Who are you to anybody?" she shouts. "Who the hell would have missed you? You call your own mother the _ambassador_."

JJ sees Morgan stand up at his desk and look towards her office. Emily sees JJ looking and turns to look too, gesturing that Morgan shouldn't come up.

She turns back to JJ, her face still calm. "Jennifer," she says quietly, "I don't think you want to do this here."

JJ laughs, a little surprised to hear how high and derisive her voice has gotten. "You don't know a single thing about me, Emily Prentiss." She shouts. "You don't know anything at all."

"Jen-"

"You killed my sister," she yells again. This makes Spencer's head turn too, and draws Gideon out of his office.

Emily sets her lips in a straight line. "JJ," she says evenly. "I still miss Ros t-"

"Shut up," JJ spits. Somehow hearing her sister's name out of Emily's mouth is worse than seeing it on a headstone.

"She was my sister. Don't you dare compare your loss to mine. She was…what, your fuck buddy?" Some experiment? I don't give a damn about whatever pain you think you have. It should have been you to die that day. And everyone knows it. It should have been _you_ dead, Emily."

"That's enough!" JJ hasn't heard Hotch approaching. She turns angrily to the door and is surprised to see that her boss is flanked by both Morgan and Gideon.

"Hotch," she begins, but Emily interrupts her.

"I'm sorry, sir," she says, her tone clipped. "It won't happen again." And with that, she strides out of JJs office. Morgan casts a look at JJ that the blonde could swear is angry, before following Emily, calling for her to wait up.

JJ leans heavily on the her desk, trying to catch her breath.

"JJ," Hotch says slowly.  
"I can't work with her," JJ bursts out, unable to hold it in anymore. "I don't care if she is the best profiler in he world. She's a sociopath just like the monsters we hunt every day, and I won't work with her. I won't."

There is silence, save JJ trying to get her breathing under control. Finally Hotch says, "I don't pretend to know what it was like to lose your sister."

"I didn't lose her," JJ says bitterly. "She was taken from me. Emily Prentiss took her from me."

Aaron doesn't answer this directly. "JJ," he says firmly, "why don't you take the rest of the day?"

JJ shakes her head. "I don't need-"

But her boss adopts the tone that says he is not asking, and will not be defied. "Take the day," he says again.

"Yes, sir."

"And JJ," Hotch rests his hand on the door frame has he leaves, looking back at her over his shoulder.

"Sir?"

"Think about what you are accusing Agent Prentiss of, please."

JJ colors angrily, "Sir!" She starts, but he holds up his hand and she falls silent.

He turns and walks off without another comment, leaving JJ fuming in her office, alone.

…

…

The box with Emily's things is still on the empty desk in the pen when JJ arrives next morning. She'd spent a sleepless night plagued by dreams of her sister. She'd dialed her parent's number so many times, hanging up after the first ring, that finally her parents had called _her_ , checking to see if someone was trying to get in touch with them about her safety.

"I'm okay, Mom," she'd assured over the phone. "I'm fine."

"Well good. I don't know how those operations you do go. I thought maybe you were trying to get in touch."

"Mom," JJ had asked distractedly. "Do you ever think of Ros?"

The silence that greeted this question had been a steely one. "What would make you ask that?" her mother had said, and her voice already sounded like tears.

"Nothing," JJ had said, holding in a sigh. "Never mind."

Now, JJ glares at the box marked **E.E.P.** on the desk, and the small carryon duffle shoved underneath, still with the tags on.

 _She can't work here,_ JJ thinks. _She just can't._

She forgoes the stairs to her apartment and heads towards the back corner of the office where the coffee is, but as she draws nearer, she hears voices. She makes out Morgan's right away, and his deep laugh.

And then, much to her dismay, she hears the voice she now knows to be Emily's.

JJ hovers just around the corner, out of sight, listening.

"Still, she had no right to talk to you like that," Morgan is saying. JJ feels a blush heat her cheeks, even though there is no one there to see it.

"Derek," Emily sounds tired.

"I'm serious. She was way out of line."

"She was upset," Emily says curtly. "She was caught off guard and upset. I don't blame her. The last time she saw me, her father was threatening to break my neck, and her mother was screaming that I'd ruined her family."

"So…you were friends as kids?" Morgan does not even bother to hide his curiosity.

"No," Emily says flatly. "She was just a kid. I can count the number of times I met her on one hand. Probably only said about five words to her. Ros and I were rarely at her house, and when we were, no one was there. I wasn't exactly the Jareau's favorite person."

Morgan snorts. "That doesn't seem to have changed."

Emily makes a non verbal sound of agreement, and JJ is struck with the flash of a memory: her sister, out of breath, slamming the window shut as JJ pushed her bedroom door open.

 _Don't you know how to knock?_

"I wanted this to work," the genuine despair in Emily's voice is what pulls her back into the present.

"Who says it's not working?" Morgan asks, and Emily must give him a look, because he continues quickly. "Look, just let Hotch work his his magic…let it cool off a little and then-"

"Do you know why I wanted to be a part of the BAU?" Emily asks, and JJ feels comforted somewhat by the fact that she is not the only one that Emily interrupts.

But Morgan seems happy to switch subjects with her. "Why?" he prompts dutifully. JJ thinks he must want inside her pants.

"I'd heard what an amazing team you all were. How you had each other's backs. How you trusted each other completely."

"Are we that mythic?" Morgan asks with a chuckle.  
"Pretty much!" Emily exclaims. "You guys are the ones that the FBI - hell, Interpol even - compares other teams too. I…I wanted to be a part of that."

"You can be," Morgan says, sounding sincere. "You can be, Emily. You just need time to-"

"No, I can't," Emily says, finality ringing in her tone. "JJ holds me responsible for the death of her sister. That is not something you get over easily."

JJ leans her head back against the wall momentarily, trying to gather herself. She is just about to turn and tiptoe away from the duo around the corner, when Spencer calls her name.

"JJ! What are you doing hiding like that?" He asks cheerfully.

JJ shuts her eyes tight for a second, and then, deciding it's better to face things head on steps forward so that Derek and Emily can see she's been standing there. When she looks around, however, she see that Emily has already pushed through the wide glass double doors and is heading for the elevators.

Derek shake his head at her. "Really, Jareau?" he asks incredulously.

JJ shrugs, trying to look defiant rather than guilty. "What? I was coming around the corner, I heard talking…"

Morgan steps up to her, his face softening into a try for compassion. "JJ," he says softly. "Why don't you _try_ and give her a chance?"

Spencer glances between them, looking pleasantly baffled at the interaction.

"So you'd give someone who murdered your sister a second chance?" She asks harshly.

"Your sister committed suicide," Spencer says quickly, his voice going up at the end indicating he is about to give her a factoid. "There has not been a documented case where a proven suicide has resulted in the conviction of a second party."

JJ stares at them, trying to find a kind way to say the two words that are floating around in her head.

"Look," Morgan says, shooting an annoyed glance at Reid. "I'm just saying that-"

"You don't have any idea what you're talking about," JJ says angrily. "You don't know what happened and you don't know-" but she breaks off quickly, because Jason Gideon has pushed in through the double doors into the pen, and behind him, Emily Prentiss.

"What is she-" JJ starts.

"We have a new case," Gideon says over her. "Prentiss and Reid are flying out with me to Guantanamo Bay. Hotch will brief the rest of you in the meeting room in three."

"Gideon?"

"We have less than 24 hours for this," he says gruffly. "Terrorism. Reid, Prentiss, car in two. Let's move." He turns on his heal and heads back the way he came, Spencer and Reid hurrying for their go bags."

Morgan catches Prentiss' arm as she hurries by him, snatching the sales tags off the side of her duffel. She shoots him a grateful look and then heads out the door after Reid.

JJ feels like she might pass out. "I'm not working with her," she hears herself say.

Morgan makes a sound between a laugh and a scoff. He turns towards the meeting room, calling to her over her shoulder,

"It doesn't look like you have a choice."


	2. Chapter 2

Emily Prentiss stays for the next case. And the next one. And the one after that.

While JJ does not feel completely comfortable with the addition, it is clear that she is in the minority. What's more, after her public and furious blow up upon Emily's arrival, her anger had fizzled into sadness that had then melted into a kind of dank embarrassment and humiliation. She had not meant to reveal so much of herself that day, hadn't meant to show everyone how deeply the loss of her sister had hurt her, or how much unresolved fury she had over the murky details of her sister's suicide.

Roslyn had been sixteen and JJ, who was only ten, had thought she was the world. Everything she did was cool and unattainable and magical. Everything Ros did was the right thing to do. Even now, as a rational adult, it is difficult for JJ to reconcile her ten year old hero worship with the flawed and hurting person her sister must have been. And seeing Emily again…well, it just brought all of that back, didn't it? Her father's hands too tight on her shoulders as he shook her, harder than was necessary.

 _You stay away from people like that._

Her mother's obvious dislike of the teens in their town that wore too much make up, or had more than one piercing. JJ had learned to glare at them on public transportation. She'd gone out for soccer instead of drama. She'd tried to follow her mother's unspoken rules all the way through high school and into college, where her flare for public relations could not be ignored. Only then had she begun to really think about what _she_ wanted.

She hadn't realized how deeply her parents' words were ingrained inside of her until they were spilling out in front of everyone. She had accused Emily Prentiss of…of what? Of putting the idea of suicide into her sister's head? Of putting that slippery little knife into her hand? Of providing the pills?

JJ shakes her head. She had only known Ros for ten years, but what she could say without a shadow of a doubt was that no one told her what to do. No one made her do something she didn't want to do.

So that means…

JJ shakes her head, unwilling to follow that line of thinking any further. For the moment, she wants to protect herself.

So she watches as Emily begins to win over her team. Gideon returns from Guantanamo Bay and tells Hotch that Prentiss was "a helpful addition, pivotal in the prevention of the attack." It's high praise coming from him, and JJ sees Hotch look out over the pen to where Emily is setting up her desk with careful precision, his eyebrows knitted together in thought.

Morgan takes a shine to Emily too. They come back from her qualifications with sweaty brows and wide smiles. "Good shot," He tells the group as a whole. "She might even have you beat, Hotch."

Hotchner allows himself a brief smile. "Doubtful."

"I dunno," Morgan presses cheerfully. "firearms 98, hand to hand 96? Coming off of Interpol, I never would have guessed."

JJ looks to Emily to see how she is handling the praise. The brunette has her head turned away from the group, but her smile is still evident, small and proud.

JJ is not a profiler, but she puts all of her energy into profiling Emily Prentiss. She is fascinated by, and maybe a little jealous of the way that the new agent seems to be able to match her personality to the people that she's with. She can play chess with Gideon and last just as long as Reid. She can crack jokes with Morgan that make him guffaw. Even Penelope seems to warm up to her, and she out of all of them is the least adaptable to change. None of them had been exactly sorry to see Elle leave, but they'd been rubbing along just fine without her. Why fix what isn't broken.

…..

…..

For the most part, they steer clear of each other. Emily seems relieved that there has not been another blow up, and on the next several cases they are assigned, the two see very little of each other. JJ stays at appointed headquarters, wrangling newscasters and journalists, and Prentiss follows Morgan and Gideon into the field, returning at the end of the day with a slightly careworn expression and her work boots scuffed from the streets.

But they cross paths in the middle of Emily's fifth case. They are working the murder of prostitutes in DC, and so they can work it off of their home base. JJ is trying to put together a press conference, but the Congresswoman seems to be blocking her at every turn. She sighs as she sets down the telephone on another dead end.

She doesn't usually like asking for her Boss' help, but she doesn't see any way around it this time. She stands, grabbing the folder on her desk and heads up towards Hotch's office. The door is closed, and JJ is about to knock on the door when she hears Hotch speak.

"I don't appreciate being questioned in front of other agents," he says, and JJ is backing away from what is clearly a reprimand in progress when Emily's voice answers.

"It was not my intention. I apologize."

"What were you talking to the congresswoman about?"

"She stopped by to say hello. She worked with my mother so I've known her since I was a kid," the words are barely out of Prentiss' mouth before Hotch is talking again. He clearly has an agenda. Despite herself, JJ leans closer to the door.

"Did you tip her off about this case?"

"No," Emily's answer is clipped. JJ wishes she could see the other woman's face. Her tone gives nothing away.

"This team can't function if I don't trust the people on it."

JJ expects Emily to cower, to admit wrong doing, or apologize for any perceived insubordinate behavior. Emily does neither.

"Sir, if I touched a nerve out there today, I am sorry. But I don't deserve this."

 _I don't deserve this._ JJ catches her breath.

"I will not put up with a political agenda."

There is a profound silence.

"My mother is a career politician," Emily says finally, and now she sounds emotional. On the verge of anger. "You've met her," she continues. "Did you like her?"

This question seems to bring Hotch up short. "She's an impressive woman," is all he says.

"Well, I think politics makes people distrustful. I think it makes them hate themselves. I think it tears families apart, and damages people. So if there's nothing else, I would like to get back out on the street and find out who's killing these women…Sir."

Hotch doesn't respond, doesn't dismiss her, so JJ barely has time to turn away and pretend to be engrossed in a file before Emily has stepped out into the hall. When she hears the woman's steps fade away in the opposite direction, she turns to look at her body language. She is not fleeing, that much is obvious. She walks past her desk and around the corner to the bathroom with the same even stride that JJ has come to recognize. Yet her voice just a minute ago had sounded quietly furious, possibly even tearful.

 _How does she do that?_ JJ wonders for the umpteenth time. _How does she stay so calm in every situation?  
_ But here, at least, is the answer to one of her other nagging questions. Hotch didn't request a replacement for Elle. Prentiss was _assigned_ to their unit out of the blue.

Of course, this answer only brings up more questions, the most pressing of them being _why?_

Impulsively, JJ follows after Emily, descending the stairs and rounding the corner in time to see her disappear into the bathroom.

With a deep breath, JJ follows her, unsure about what she wants to say, but somehow knowing that she wants to at least try to say _something_.

Emily is standing at the far end of the bathroom, looking at herself in the mirror that runs the length of the room. She is dry eyed, blank faced, but when she turns to see has entered, she gives JJ a look that is as transparent as glass. It is the first time JJ is able to completely understand one of the brunette's expressions. It reads: I am trying to decide if I can trust you.

JJ waits.

"I hate politics," Emily says, tilting her head so she can keep eye contact with JJ. "I have no political agenda."

And JJ understands that Emily saw her by the door when she left Hotch's office, and that she was not fooled by JJ's attempt to look occupied.

"Is that what people think?" Emily asks after a moment, and the genuine concern in her voice takes JJ by surprise.  
"What?"

"Is that what people think? That I'm just some political plant?"

"Oh," JJ says. "No!"

Emily blinks at her, measuring. "No?"

"No," JJ says more resolutely. "No one here thinks you're a political plant."

"Hotchner does," Emily says, and for a moment her shoulders sag. It is a movement of infinitesimal proportions, but JJ catches it nonetheless. _There really is a person in there, isn't there. I wonder what Roslyn saw in her. I wonder what they meant to each other. I wonder what she thinks of me…after what I said to her._

"Hotch," she says, trying to bring herself back to the present, "has to consider every option. We went through a bit of a rough time."

"With Elle?" Emily asks tentatively, and when she sees JJ hesitate, she holds up her hand to stop the response. "Don't tell me. I'm not Strauss' puppet, and I won't act like it."

JJ finds that she is smiling. And Emily smiles back at her, a tight, almost hopeful little smile.

"Look," JJ says, gathering her resolve. "About…our introduction…"

"Forget it," Emily says with a wave of her hand.

"I didn't," JJ studies Emily's boots, trying to find the right words. "I wasn't trying to imply."  
"Jennifer," Emily says firmly. "Forget it." She straightens her shoulders. She looks better than she had at the beginning of the conversation. Brighter somehow, healthier.

"See you out there," she says, and she gives JJ another smile before slipping out of the bathroom.

…..

…..

When their next case is over, Penelope and JJ resolve to go out. The week has been long, preceded by three long weeks, and they declare that Friday a Girl's Night, and wait for 5pm with ill-disguised anticipation. If Emily sees their excitement, she does not mention it, and when 4:55 rolls around, JJ is not thinking of anything else besides the bar and the waiting sidecar martini. Penelope wanders into the pen just as JJ is finishing up her paperwork, waving up at her. But when JJ steps out of her office seven minutes later, it is to see the technical analyst perched on Prentiss' desk deep in conversation with her. JJ approaches slowly, trying to decipher if Garcia has already invited Emily to their girl's night. She hopes not. She can't put her finger on why, but she wants to be alone with Garcia, to feel free to talk about anything.

"So, are you coming with, Prentiss?" JJ hears her ask. "Girl's night? Hard liquor? Karaoke? Five cases makes you official!"

"Ah, yes!" Emily says, leaning forward, reaching for her briefcase, "That would be…" JJ closes her eyes momentarily. She wracks her brain for a reason to rescind the invitation, but can think of nothing. She opens her eyes and sees that Emily is looking at her over Penelope's shoulder.

"You know what?" she's says, swinging her back up over her shoulder. "I can't tonight."

"What?" Garcia sounds genuinely disappointed. "But you just…"

"I have other plans." Suddenly, Emily's face has closed in on itself. She still looks normal, content, but the depth that was there just minutes before has gone. "Sorry, Garcia," And she _sounds_ truly sorry even if something about her expression does not quite sell it. "I totally forgot that I made plans tonight…and I've cancelled too much already."

If it is a lie, it is a good one. Penelope is at once diverted. "Oooh, that means a date!" she squeals, her invitation forgotten. "Dish, my darling! What does he look like?"

Emily's smile is…JJ doesn't know how to categorize it. She has never come across something that appears so simultaneously easy and very forced.

"Sorry," she says again. "I don't kiss and tell."

This draws an "ooooh," from Garcia, and a "get it, girl!" from Morgan, whom Emily fist bumps on the way out.  
As soon as Emily has disappeared from view, Penelope rounds on JJ, her usually cheerful face turned downwards into a frown.

"What?" JJ asks, trying to sound innocent.

"You know perfectly well what," Garcia says, pouting. "I'm not a profiler, and I could have seen that you didn't want her to come from space."

JJ looks around at Morgan and Reid, who have both become very interested in their paperwork.

"She uninvited herself," JJ says, gesturing that they should head out too. "I didn't say anything."

"You're really gonna sit there, doing the job we're doing, and tell me that just because you didn't say anything means you didn't _say_ anything?"

This gets a laugh from Morgan, though he doesn't look up from his paperwork.

"Back me up!" Garcia commands, and when Reid opens his mouth, Morgan speaks over him.

"Uh uh," he says with another laugh. "We are staying out of it."

"You really have nothing to say on the subject?" JJ asks, and she hears the words in her head, but is still powerless to stop them. "Hotch is worried she's a political plant. Come to split us up. You know, after Elle?"

This sobers the group very quickly. Morgan sits up in his chair.

JJ was unaware that she could feel such immediate regret.

"Is that really a possibility?" Reid asks, looking concerned.

"You don't think that, do you, JJ?" Penelope looks both concerned and disappointed. JJ wonders if she's stumbled over anything in the snooping she's undoubtedly been doing.

"I…" JJ shakes her head, "I don't know, Pen. I'm just saying, don't you want a girl's night that's comfortable and easy?"

This seems to split Garcia. She looks torn. Finally she stands up, pushing her glasses up her nose. She gives a shrug and a sigh that says "it doesn't matter now, anyway," and the two of them say their good-byes to the men.

"Here's to not getting called in," Reid calls after them.

Garcia knocks on the wall as they leave, superstitious to the end.

...

"Oh, my god, look!" Garcia grabs JJ's arm as they approach the bar. "Look! That's Emily!"

Yes, Garcia is right. There is Emily Prentiss, stepping out of a cab, dressed casually in dark denim and a red, low cut blouse that makes a couple men look over their shoulders as they pass. And as JJ watches, she turns and reaches back into the taxi, offering her hand to…a woman. She emerges like liquid, holding tight to Emily's hand, tall and dark skinned, with a heap of tightly coiled braids that cascade down her back. She is wearing a skirt and a tank top, and together, the two of them stop men dead.

Emily leans forward to whisper something in the other woman's ear, smiling when her comment garners a full, head tilted back, mouth wide open laugh.

Emily's girlfriend, that _must_ be what she is, has a laugh like butter.

"Woah," Penelope says, eyes as wide as saucers behind her glasses.

Something suddenly occurs to JJ, as they watch Emily wrap her arms around her date and lead her into the bar. "Is Emily Prentiss pretty?"

She glances at Garcia, doing a double take when she sees the other woman staring at her. She realizes she has asked the question out loud.

"Are you kidding me?" Penelope asks, arching an eyebrow.

"Uh…no?" JJ glances back at the door to the bar where the two women have just disappeared.

"Emily Prentiss is a knock out," Penelope says, and she begins to laugh but stops when she sees that JJ is not laughing along with her. "Have you honestly never noticed?"

"Why would I notice?" JJ snaps, irritation rising inside of her. "It's not like she dresses that way at work."

"Well, we both know I only have eyes for a certain cocoa butter god, but I can honestly say that I would not mind."

JJ feels her irritation heat into anger. "Let's go somewhere else," she says.

"Awww, Jayj" Garcia pouts. "C'mon. It's 2 for 1 Martini night. We don't even have to ask them to join us...even though they _are_ girls and it _is_ Girl's N…" she trails off when she sees the look on JJ's face, sighing heavily. "What is up with you, lately, JJ?" she asks. "I mean…I know that Emily was…around at the time of your sister's-"

But JJ shakes her head. Not tonight. Not now. "Pen. I am trying okay?"

"It did seem like you were trying very hard today when you accused her of being a political spy."

" _Hotch_ accused first I was just," JJ changes course abruptly, knowing that line of reason will not earn her any points. "Look," she tries. "I am trying. I don't want her here, but I am trying to accept her as a part of our team. I am trying to undo years of conditioning against her, okay? And I can do that in my professional sphere, Pen, but I can't do it in my social sphere too. I can't have her everywhere, and still be nice to her. So if she's going to be at work, she can't hang out with us outside of it. Get it?"

Garcia bites her lip. "Got it," she says quietly.

"Now can we _please_ go somewhere else?"

"Smitten Kitten has 5 dollar margaritas until 2," Garcia answers hopefully.

"Done," JJ says gratefully. "On me."

"One more question."

"Just the one?" JJ says wearily.

"Do you mean that? That you don't want to work with her? Do you really dislike her…Do you really _blame_ her that much?"

JJ does not know the answer. She doesn't want to think about the answer. She wants to drink herself into oblivion, maybe make a bad choice that sneaks out in the morning before the sun comes up.

"Ask me after we're about thirty bucks in okay, Pen?"

Garcia smiles as she puts her hand up for a taxi.

"Deal."

* * *

...

...

 _ **Hi everyone!**_

 _ **Thank you for all your nice reviews and PMs. I'm really excited to branch out into this fandom as well. The Jemily ship was my first and is still my favorite ship of all time, so I was hesitant to start this, but it won't leave me be. I just finished outlining, and it about 22 chapters and an epilogue. Please feel free to let me know what you think, good or bad as long as it's respectful, I love writing and talking about writing and debating about writing etc. As long as you're coming from a place of respect, I will return the same courtesy.**_

 _ **I'm super happy to see some R &I people followed over here, that's like…the biggest compliment you could give me. Zarosguth, Ravens Trinity, Beanmeup (right?), Sideadde, Loveisles, how nice of all of you. Schnitzel, of course I'm going to tell you to watch the whole series (which is just out there chillin on Netflix), but if not, thanks for readin along! Just to give you guys an idea. I will be using the canon cases, and although they will go in order (for the most part) they won't all be there. I'm still on the fence about Will and Henry. I've outlined them in and out, and I can't decide. Does my love for Emily mothering Henry exceed my serious hatred of Will? This chapter falls in the middle of 2x11: Sex, Birth, Death. CM watchers will recognize Emily's verbatim denunciation of politics. **_

_**Ok…everything addressed? Everyone welcomed? Let's hit it.**_

 _ **Happy Reading**_

 _ **tc**_


	3. Chapter 3

_When the door to her sister's room pushes open, JJ shuts her eyes tight, trying to regulate her breathing so it doesn't rasp out of her chest and give her away._

 _But she hears Ros' feet padding towards her on the rug and when she turns her head and cracks one eye open, she sees her sister's face, smiling back at her._

" _Hey there," she says softly, like she's talking to a frightened cat. "What are we doing?"_

 _JJ resists the urge to put her first two fingers in her mouth. She is not a baby anymore. "Mommy and Daddy are fighting," she says._

" _Yeah," Ros looks sad for a moment. "Yeah, they are. Sorry, Jenny."_

 _Roslyn cannot fit under her bed anymore. JJ remembers – just barely – when it used to be their sanctuary. She can remember sunny Sunday mornings shoulder to shoulder, navigating their own private space ship through the stars. It was their refuge from thunderstorms. Their safe haven. JJ felt safe telling her sister anything and everything under that bed, and Roslyn never had so much homework or so many phone calls that she couldn't take twenty minutes to slip under the bed for a quick game of Magic Schoolbus._

 _Now, JJ is in her sister's room without permission. There is a new sign on the Ros' door that says "KNOCK" in big purple block letters, and she's too big to fit comfortably under the bed._

" _Will you come out, Jenny? Please?"_

 _JJ wiggles out and stands up, keeping her eyes on her feet. She thinks maybe she's about to be punished. Maybe she is about to be on the receiving ends of one of her sister's tantrums, also a new development in the Jareau home._

" _S-sorry I didn't knock," she says, not looking up._

 _Ros waits patiently, not saying anything, until JJ looks up slowly and sees that she is smiling. "Can I tell you a secret, Jay?"_

" _Yes!" all thought of wrong doing disappears from her mind. She loves it when Roslyn confides in her. Loves it more than anything in the world._

" _That sign isn't really for you."_

 _JJ looks up, eyes wide. "Really? Who's it for?"_

 _Ros looks to JJ like she's just eaten broccoli. "It's for Mom and Dad. So they can't come snooping in here and read through my personal stuff."_

" _Why would they want to do that?" JJ asks earnestly._

" _Never mind," Ros says quickly, and her voice gets soft again. "I'm saying it's not for you, Jenny. You can be in here."_

" _Cause we're best friends, huh, Ros!"_

 _Roslyn sits back on her bed, scooting so her head is against the headboard. "Yeah…come here."_

 _JJ jumps excitedly on the bed, scrambling back to sit next to her sister. Roslyn puts her arm around her, and JJ closes her eyes, still grinning. She forgets that her parents were fighting. She forgets that's why she came into her sister's room in the first place._

 _She forgets that she was every unhappy at all._

* * *

Very suddenly, JJ gets what she asked for, thought it comes at a terrible price.

Emily disappears. But so does Hotch. And so does Gideon.

It must be what it feels like having a Jinn grant one's wish, JJ thinks dully as she trudges onto the Jet with Spencer and Morgan, Chief Strauss following imperially in their wake.

She had, at the beginning, wished for Emily's immediate removal, and the unseen Jinn had waited until her team warmed up to her, and then removed her along with two vital members of their team. JJ takes her usual seat on the plane, and looks around, realizing with a jolt that she is looking for Emily. The brunette always sat across the aisle to JJ's left. It used to astound and irk her that Emily seemed so calm and okay with their close proximity, That she didn't feel the need to lean over and try to make things better, or to sit down the plane a bit so that she could avoid eye contact completely.  
Now, JJ realizes she's grown used to the flash of dark brown hair in her peripheral vision. And while she would not admit even to herself that she misses it…the feeling of absence is definitely pervasive.

"It's weird right?" Morgan asks, sitting down across from her.  
Reid nods, sitting next to him. "Is Strauss going to be coming on all of our assignments from now on?"

Morgan rolls his eyes, "We don't need to be babysat, we can take-"

"I was under the impression," Strauss interrupts, coming up the aisle to sit in Emily's normal seat, "that there would be a team briefing before arrival."

"Yes, ma'am," JJ says automatically, shuffling folders on the fold out tray in front of her.

"Well then," Strauss raises an eyebrow. "Let's get started."

…

Three days of hell. They have a serial killer snatching women from high risk locations, using a young boy to lure them.

They are down their team lead, and a profiler who – JJ realizes as the days wear on – was pretty damn good at her job. And Reid seems out of step and lost as a result of Gideon's sudden departure.

Strauss is either extra dead weight, or an outright hindrance. She is stiff and unyielding with the local police and the victim's families alike.

On the third day, after she mishandles a lead that could have lead them to an unsub, JJ catches Morgan calling Hotch.

He raises his eyebrows defiantly when she calls him on it. "What do you want to do?" He hisses. "Let more women die?"

And so she's only half surprised when Hotch arrives at the end of the day, looking grim and determined, Emily Prentiss following in his wake.

"The Calvary," Morgan says, looking more relieved than happy. JJ sees Reid look around hopefully for Gideon.

"How fast can you catch us up," Emily asks the room at large, and JJ surprises herself by answering.

"How quickly can you sit down?"

Emily smiles, reaching for the file as she pulls up a chair. "Hey," she says, more softly, so the men don't hear. "Unknit your brow, Jennifer. We'll get him."

JJ presses two fingers between her eyebrows, surprised.

Emily smiles, and then turns her attention to Reid, who's elaborating on something at the whiteboard.

 _We'll get him_.

JJ feels reassured.

…

"You're bleeding," JJ says dumbly. The cut on Emily's forehead looks like a poorly constructed spiderweb. It is difficult to look at. They'd busted in, responding to her distress call, and as the team had cleared the rooms one by one without any sign of Emily, JJ had felt…what?

No. No, she had just had the normal amount of concern for a team member. That's all it was.

"You're bleeding," JJ murmurs again, hearing the note of surprise in her voice.

Emily has been watching her face intently. "Even monsters bleed, Jennifer," she says quietly.

JJ feels her face get warm. "You're not a monster," she says automatically, surprised when the words seem to ring true.

Emily raises an eyebrow, but doesn't have time to respond because Morgan approaches at that moment, looking cheerful despite the fact that they've just arrested a single father who also happens to be a serial killer.

"Hotch is back for good," he says happily. "And I quote 'why would we ever want to leave the BAU.' So does that mean you're back for good too, princess?"

Emily laughs, surprised, and then winces, touching a hand tentatively to her forehead. "Princess, huh? Is it weird I'm glad to be back?"

"Only for those who don't know the job," he says with a conspiratorial smile. Emily chuckles. "Seriously though. You took a hit. Are you okay?"

"Yes," Emily says firmly, and her eyes wander to the little boy in the back of the police car. "I just wish that I could say the same for him."

They all turn to look at him. He stares straight ahead, blank expression.

"He's young yet," Morgan says. "There could still be hope for him. A nice family takes him in."

Emily shakes her head, standing suddenly, flapping at the EMT who tries to get her to return to her seat. For a moment she wavers, like the change in altitude is almost too much for her. Then she steps forward, hands checking her side arm automatically.

"Foundation is foundation," she says, face going almost as blank as the boy's. "If it's bad from jump, it stays bad." She turns, and walks away, towards the SUVs where Hotch and Strauss are talking in lowered voices.

Reid nods at her retreating figure, turning to JJ and Morgan with a bright expression. "You know, statistically, she's not wrong."

Morgan snorts, shakes his head, and follows after her.

JJ laughs, putting her hand on Spencer's arm to allay his confusion. It's not until later, on the plane ride home, when she sees Emily laugh at something Spencer has said, that JJ realizes that the weight she'd been carrying around all week is gone.

…

…

But Emily turns them down for a celebratory drink. Morgan wheedles for nearly fifteen minutes, flashing Emily his signature smile enough times that Penelope clears her throat noisily.

"Come on, Em," he says, throwing an arm around Garcia to placate her. "The team is back together. Even Hotch is coming tonight."

Emily shakes her head. "No can do," she says with a tight smile. "Rain check. I promise."

JJ doesn't join her team in trying to cajole Emily into coming along with them, but when the woman gets up, bag packed and heads towards the door, JJ slips out of her office and cuts her off in the hallway.

She thinks she sees apprehension flash across the other woman's face, though it is gone in an instant.

"I wanted to…I wondered if you had a minute to talk," JJ stumbles over her words, blushing briefly.

Emily looks at her watch, like she's really considering it. "Uh…yes," she says. "Ten." She straightens her shoulders and looks at JJ expectantly.

"I just," this is harder than she'd imagined it would be. Maybe it isn't necessary at all. "I just wanted to say that I'm – I don't want you to think that any of us wanted you gone." This is quite possibly the least articulate sentence she has ever uttered. Emily looks at her impassively, not speaking.

"I mean," JJ continues, uncomfortable with the silence. "Strauss was terrible, _is_ terrible. She rarely ever knows what she's talking about. Hotch is a great leader, and you're more than qualified to be on this team.

Is she imagining it, or is the corner of Emily's mouth turning upward?

"Qualifications are not the only things that should to be taken into account," Emily replies, her voice low and deliberate. "The effectiveness of a team is not measured on qualifications alone."

"I know that," JJ says, nearly indignant. "I just meant…I want to say…"

And now Emily does smile, an action that illuminates her entire face. "Come on, Jennifer, Media Liaison for the FBI. Spit it out."

She is poking fun. JJ smiles despite herself. "We're all glad that you're back too. Not just Hotch."

Emily looks pleased at this. She hefts her bag a little further up her shoulder. "That means a great deal," she says. "From you." She looks like she wants to say more, but at that moment her phone buzzes, and when she pulls it out her smile disappears at once.

"Shit!" she swears, flicking her wrist to look at her watch, as though to double check that the time on her cell is in fact correct. "Shit! I've got to go." She looks up apologetically. "I've got to go, but have a good time tonight with everyone. I'm in for the next one. Count it."

JJ only lifts her hand in response, because Emily is already hurrying out the doors toward the elevator that leads to the parking lot. Penelope meets her as she's heading back to the Pen.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah," JJ says, and she hears herself continue, even though the plan is only half formed in her mind.  
"Pen, what do you say we get that Martini you've been craving?"

…

…

In retrospect, JJ's planned seemed foolproof. The only reason Emily would turn down the team she'd been newly reunited with would be for something more important.

That more important thing had to be a date.

The last time Emily was on a date, to JJ's limited knowledge, was when she and Penelope spotted her outside of their regular Martini Bar downtown.

And so, with Garcia's help, JJ convinces her team to go to Martini Heaven to celebrate the successful end of the case. She thinks they will see Emily and her girlfriend, invite them over, and prove to the brunette once and for all that she is welcome in their tight knit little family. It's the most direct JJ thinks she can be, this opening of her social life.

But when they arrive, Emily is not there. They choose a circular booth in the back of the establishment, and every time the door opens, JJ looks up, expecting to see either Emily or her partner entering. Ten becomes eleven, becomes quarter to midnight, and Hotch announces that he has to get home to his wife while he still has one.

Garcia has pretended to fall asleep on Morgan's shoulder.

Reid is at the bar debating mixology with the increasingly uninterested bartender, and JJ decides to call the plan a failure.

She pays her portion and slides out of the booth, heading to the bar to drag Spencer away, and then they all head towards the door, pushing out onto the street, talking and chatting and laughing.

They say good-bye to Hotch on the corner and head on down the street, just the four of them. And that is when JJ's failed plan becomes a nightmare.

For the second time in nearly as many days, Penelope gasps and points. "Oh, my god," she hisses. "It's Emily….Oh…oh no."

They all turn to follow Penelope's gaze.

She is right again, there is Emily, and there five or six strides ahead of her is the same dark skinned woman from before. But this time, there is no laughter. They are not holding hands. Emily's face, even from a distance, looks twisted with pain. She follows after her girlfriend urgently, mouth moving quickly over words too quiet for them to hear until the last syllable, seemingly torn from her, an octave higher than usual.

" _Please!"_

And the woman stops walking, and turns back towards Emily, and her voice is high enough that they can catch snippets, the long a's and harsh consonants of her british accent floating towards them on the breeze.

"I _can't_ , Emily," and, "you promised."

And. "You lied."

And then she turns away with an air that demands to be left alone. And Emily understands and obeys. She stands on the sidewalk watching the other woman leave, and for a long, long moment her face looks like it's made of granite.

And then she starts to cry.

JJ watches as Emily collapses against the brick wall of the building closest to her, her hands going first to cover her mouth and then her whole face. Derek, Penelope, and Spencer are all frozen beside her, and she knows that they have all seen the interaction too.

"Damn," Morgan says. "That was cold."

JJ bites her lip. "We probably shouldn't be watching this…" She says hesitantly.  
Emily has made no attempt to get up. Except for the subtle shake in her shoulders, she doesn't move at all. It's unnerving, seeing her like this, and JJ wants to get as far away as possible, for her sake as much as for Emily's. No one passing by pays her any mind. It is not a completely uncommon occurrence.

"What should we do?" Garcia asks, her voice just above a whisper. "We can't just leave her…poor buttercup. She looks heartbroken."

"Considering that we didn't even know Emily had a romantic interest at all, we should probably just move on and pretend we haven't seen anything," Spencer says, always pragmatic.

But none of them move, and for what seems like ages, they stand there in a little huddle, secret voyeurs on pain that JJ at least never knew their teammate was capable of displaying.

Finally Morgan steps forward. "You guys go," he says. "I doubt she'll want us all to approach her." He doesn't elaborate on why it should be him and not any of the rest of them that should try to console her, but JJ supposes he has made the most connection. Lord knows it should not be her.

But they all stay to watch as he approaches her, as he squats down and reaches out. She bats him away, turning from him. He persists, speaking calmly until she finally covers her face with her hands again, shaking her head. She lets him put her hand on her shoulder.

Penelope takes JJ's upper arm. "C'mon," she says softly, tugging JJ towards the street where their cars are. "Let my man work his magic."

With one last look, JJ allows herself to be pulled away.

* * *

" _She's your daughter. She's your kin. What are you going to do? Lock her in her room until she's forty?"_

" _Maybe I will. Will it cure her?"_

" _Don't talk like that. She's right upstairs she can hear you."_

" _I don't care if she hears it. Think of the influence she has on Jenny. What do you think she is telling Jenny when they're holed up in her room together? Worse what do you think she's_ _doing?_ _"_

" _You bite your tongue. That's Roslyn, Eddie, she would never-"_

" _I don't know who that girl is anymore, Sandy, but it's not our Roslyn. You saw what she was doing with that-"_

" _Enough. Enough. Jenny's right upstairs. She'll here you."_

 _JJ stands in the middle of her room and presses her palms harder into her ears, shutting her eyes against the tears that are starting to well up. She hums "somewhere over the rainbow" three times through before she stops to listen._

 _The fighting downstairs has died a little, and when JJ pulls her hands from her ears, she can't hear them anymore. The door to her room pushes open to reveal Roslyn, dark mascara heavy around her eyes. Black sweatshirt and torn denim jeans. She walks over to JJ and hugs her._

" _Don't be scared," she says into the top of JJ's head. "All the fighting's gonna stop soon."_

 _JJ pushes her nose against the familiar smelling sweatshirt, glad to be comforted though she wouldn't have dared to go into her sister's room now. Not with its menacing "KEEP OUT" sign on the door._

" _You're going to act better?" JJ asks. "So mom and dad will stop fighting?"_

 _Ros doesn't answer the question. She bends down. "Look at me, Jenny."_

 _JJ does, and her sister had taken off the delicate little necklace that always hung around her neck. "I want you to have this."_

" _Me?" JJ is too elated to register the tiny, secondary prickle of unease. "Really?"_

 _Ros nods. "Really. I'm going out…Don't cover for me okay? I know you tried to the other day. When they ask where I am. Tell them I told you I was going out, but you don't know where."_

 _JJ bites her lip, feeling grumpy. "Can I come too?"_

" _No."_

" _Why?" JJ remembers a time when they used to do everything together._

 _Ros sighs, and it might be affectionate. "Because you're the good one, Jenny," she says quietly, and when she turns from JJ's room and heads down to her own, JJ follows her, awed when Roslyn doesn't stop her, delighted when she isn't barred from the teenager's room._

 _She watches her sister pull her backpack over her shoulders and crack the window._

" _Love you, Ros!" JJ says._

 _Ros' eyes go wide and then soft and maybe a little wet._

" _I love you too, Jen," she says, her voice dropping to a whisper._

" _Goodbye."_

* * *

They catch a case the next day. JJ calls them all, 6am, and although she listens for any sign of fatigue or despair in Emily's voice, she can't find it.

And when they all regroup around the round table to talk about their latest serial killer – family annihilator, possibly a team – JJ finds Emily to be attentive, professional, alert and engaged. The antithesis of someone who would crumble against a bar when her date dumped her.

"It wasn't just her date," Garcia breathes, when JJ stops by to say good bye before their flight. "It was her girlfriend, _possibly_ fiancé, of 6 and a half years. Morgan said there were a couple of pictures of them at her place. She followed Emily from London.

Oh.

She bids Penelope farewell, and meets Spencer in the front hall to head to cars. She sees Morgan and Emily waiting for the elevator up ahead of them, and a question hits her like a bolt of lightning, followed by a desire to know the answer that is so strong, she almost stops walking.

 _What was Emily's reaction to losing Roslyn?_

* * *

...

...

 **the episode is 3x2: In Name & Blood. **

**Hi everyone! Thank you all so much for your lovely comments. These two have a ways to go before complete reconciliation, but I do intend to make this Jemily. Just fair warning for those who read my R &I pieces: I don't have the same desire to keep these two together without major breaks. With Jane & Maura, I feel like a lot of the good stuff comes watching the two of them battle stuff together. With Emily and JJ, I feel like a lot of the good stuff with them is watching them work out how to be together and not compromise themselves. I plan to work in JJ's temporary departure and Emily's as well. Jemily is my ultimate endgame though, so...up to you if you continue on. **  
**My loathing of Will is not that he's with JJ, but that his character on the show was not well developed. He seemed to treat her more like a woman who couldn't take care of her, rather than an FBI agent with several combat skills he lacked...**

 **annnnyway. feelinggreeny, lktwh13, jhickson2001, duvetsnuggler, welcome! I hope you enjoy. ljferrick, YES. START WATCHING. Then come talk to me about it! velvet95: this will go a little bit dark, tho not as dark as some I've read. I'm leaning towards keeping Henry, just because His relationship with Emily is one I really want to write.**  
 **Zarosguth, JJ will come around...it will take some doing tho...conditioning is hard hard, right? jake67jake, jj never gets a true, full season story arc and I think that's horrible. I hope I do her justice.**

 **okay. no more rambling from me.**

 **happy reading**

 **tc**


	4. Chapter 4

They are roomed together.

When they get to the hotel on the first night, there are only three rooms available, and Hotch hands out room keys without an explanation. Spencer and Derek will bunk together and Emily and JJ will as well. Hotch will room by himself, that much is a given.

JJ sees Derek glance sideways at her room number and then at Emily's, but doesn't say anything. They all board the elevator together, and as the doors slide shut, JJ's phone buzzes in her pocket. She pulls it out, swiping to reveal three messages from Penelope Garcia.

 _OMG! I just saw what happened when you checked in! Are you okay?_

JJ rolls her eyes, but suppresses a scoff. She pulls up the next message.

 _If you want, I can anonymously call in a bed bug report._

How has she hacked into the hotel that quickly, JJ wonders with a little shake of her head. And does she do this every time they go anywhere? Of course she does.

 _Hello?_

At this text, JJ does snort. She pulls up the little keyboard on her phone, stepping to the side as the door dings open to allow Emily to step out ahead of her.

 _Chill_ she types back quickly. _I'm fine. We'll barely be in there anyway._

She follows Emily along the corridor to the room marked 1426.

"This is us," Emily says, holding up her keycard with the matching number, and when JJ doesn't respond, Emily uses it to let them in.

The room is standard, two double beds, one big TV on a dresser, and a tiny bathroom in the back corner of the room. Emily sets her bag down on the bed against the wall.

"Okay if I take this one?" She asks, and when JJ nods, she reaches into her go bag and pulls out a tiny little toiletry bag. "Do you need the bathroom?"

 _Did you ever see my sister naked?_ It takes almost all of JJ's effort not to ask the questions as it bursts to the surface of her consciousness. "N-no," JJ stutters. "I'm fine."

Emily nods. "Okay, well I'll just be a couple. Hotch wants us down in five for recap. This one's difficult already."

JJ's stomach twists a little. "Oh," She says, unsure why there's a lump in her throat. "We don't have to room together. I can talk to Hotch…or Spencer and-" but she looks up to see Emily fighting a nervous smile.

"I meant the case," she says lowly, clumsily.

JJ laughs. She can't help it. "Well, I made that awkward pretty quickly, didn't I?"

Emily's face relaxes. "Yes, good going Jareau." She turns and heads towards the bathroom. "I thought we'd at least make it to tonight before the tension set in."

"Why would the night time be tense?" JJ asks without thinking, and Emily hesitates for half of a second before fully committing herself to the joke.

"I sleep in the nude," she says simply. And she steps into the bathroom, shutting the door quietly behind her.

...

There is something about sharing space with a person that changes the way you see her. Even just four nights of living in the same hotel room. JJ learns that Emily is meticulously clean, that she lays out her clothes for the next day each night. She learns that Emily folds her shirts with neat, military creases, and that she packs efficiently enough that if they had to stay a week and a half, she wouldn't need to recycle shirts.

Emily writes every night in a tiny leather bound journal, so lost in what she's doing that she either doesn't see JJ watching her, or she doesn't care.  
JJ, for her part, is having a hard time reconciling the abstract, childhood nightmare with this tall, lean, plaid pajama'd woman who slides into the adjacent bed every night. JJ notices that Emily goes to sleep in a tank top and a bra, but when she wakes up and shuffles into the bathroom every morning, she is only wearing the tank top. Is this modesty? Is this for JJ's sake? Questions pop endlessly into her head.  
 _Did you love my sister?_

 _Did she tell you she loved you before she died?_

 _Were you with her? Why are you alive and not her?_

 _Did. You. Love. Her?_

The case is brutal. Not only do they have a couple of family annihilators killing parents and their young children, but on the second day they have a sole survivor, a young teenage girl who has had her family stolen from her.

JJ and Emily find themselves together for the majority of the day, first at the girl's house, and then again at the hospital, comforting her after a nightmare. They sit on the edge of her bed like concerned parents, JJ leaning forward, trying to add a bit of levity, and Emily behind, her hands on the girl's shoulders. A mother's hands. Emily is as tuned in, as gentle as JJ has ever seen her, but when they leave the room to head back to the precinct, and JJ goes to say something about her demeanor, the brunette turns her head away and says, "Did you see that floral arrangement? The purple one? There was an identical one in her house."

And the moment is gone.

 _Did you ever comfort Ros? Did she let you comfort her?_

The second night in their hotel room, Emily exits the bathroom and crosses to her bed. She's wearing a new light blue tank top and the same plaid pajama pants. Her hair is down, longer than JJ realized. Having spent the last 24 hours in her presence, JJ can now see minor changes in her posture and gait. For any normal person, Emily looks calm and put together, assured.

For _Emily_ , she looks exhausted.

JJ wakes in the middle of the night to a noise, and when she rolls over, she sees in the faint light from the window, that Emily is sitting in the little armchair cross-legged, using a pen light to read.

"Emily-" she begins gently, but the other woman answers her in a tone so professionally neutral that she loses her train of thought.

"Is my light bothering you?"

"N-no," JJ stutters. "I just-"

"Go to sleep Jennifer. We have to be up in three hours." Her voice is so full of authority that JJ puts her head back against the pillow and obediently closes her eyes before thinking, _wait…_

But when she opens her eyes again, the little light is off, although JJ can still see Emily in the chair, staring straight ahead.

…

The survivor's name is Carrie and she is 15 years old.

Her mother, father, and brother have been brutally murdered less than 48 hours ago.

She is their best bet at solving the case.

Although the teen seemed to like JJ, it was Emily that she bonded with. JJ had returned from a bathroom break at the hospital to find Emily with Carrie nearly in her lap, sobbing. It was an unguarded moment for Emily, and JJ had caught a flash of her face, maternal. Anguished.

Now, out of the hospital, and at the precinct trying to pick out their suspect's picture out of a group, Carrie leans into Emily's hand on her shoulder.

"Take your time," she says softly.

But Carrie doesn't need it. She points to a young man named Ervin Robless almost immediately.

"Are you sure?" Emily asks, her eyebrows knit together.

Carrie just nods, and as the team springs into action around them, Emily's eyes stay trained on the teenager, her hand stays steady on her back.

"Your parents would be very proud," she says. Standard.

"It's too late to be a good daughter," Carrie says, still teary, as she fingers a picture of their suspect.

"Oh, that's not true," Emily sounds so surprised, so _hurt_ , that JJ turns back to look at the pair, standing just outside the interrogation room.

Carrie shakes her head. "I was horrible to them. And now they're gone."

Emily looks as though she is at a loss for words. JJ stares at her face.

"Why did they do it? I mean there has to be a reason, right?"

"Oh, you'll drive yourself crazy, trying to figure out the reason," Emily answers, her tone sounds like she knows what she's talking about. JJ takes a step closer.

"I go crazy every time I close my eyes," Carrie says.

"It may have something to do with what happened to them when they were younger," Emily says hesitantly. For a moment she looks off at nothing. For a split second, her face goes hard.

"Like what?" Carrie asks, "They were abused or something?"

"There's a good chance," Emily says, with a curt nod.

Carrie looks up at her. She is the most composed she's been since they met her. She asks her next question pleadingly, like she truly believes the brunette can answer her, _will_ answer her, truthfully.

"Are there any happy families?"

…

…

Emily has a nightmare.

It is not the kind that JJ has, the kind that scream out of her body like an exorcism of evil. No. Emily's nightmare is silent. JJ comes out of the bathroom to find the brunette deep asleep on top of the covers.

They'd gotten back to the hotel around a quarter to midnight, and JJ hadn't thought she'd spent _that_ much time in the bathroom. But when she comes out, Emily is asleep, and her face is clearly in the agonizing throes of a bad dream.

JJ stands, irresolute, as Emily's hands grasp and clench at nothing. JJ's nightmares usually wake her up, eventually. Should she allow Emily's dream to do the same? Should she be present when it does? She stares at the brunette struggling against unseen enemies, her expression desperate. Selfishly, JJ wonders if she's dreaming about Roslyn. Lord knows that _she_ has had her share of those nightmares.

Emily opens her mouth, like she might be screaming, and quickly, without thinking about it, JJ turns and drops her toiletry bag onto the hard tile of the bathroom floor. She hears a sharp intake of breath as she bends to pick it up, and when she turns back to the room, Emily is sitting upright, looking straight ahead.

"Sorry," JJ says, moving to her bed. "I didn't mean to wake you."

Emily's eyes shift to take her in. She looks dazed and disoriented, like it's taking her a moment to come back to the present. Finally she stands and makes her way to the bathroom. She stops, turning to shut the door, and JJ looks up, meeting her eyes.

"Thank you," Emily mouths the words more than says them, and JJ doesn't get a chance to respond before Emily shuts the door with a soft click.

For a while, JJ worries about what she will say when the other woman comes out of the bathroom, about whether or not they will be awkward. But by the time Emily emerges, JJ is fast asleep.

 _She is in her mother's lap while they watch a movie. Too big to really sit this way, her feet dangle over the side of the couch, her bare feet tapping the air in a random pattern._

 _Her mother is stroking her hair, and JJ is near sleep, only paying half attention to the program she's been allowed to stay up and watch._

" _Mommy," she says sleepily, "do you think Ros is in heaven?"_

 _Her mother's hand pauses. "Yes," she says. "I do."_

 _JJ blinks, trying to stay awake and attached to the thought that's just occurred to her._

" _But, Ros committed suicide. In Sunday School, they told us that it was a sin. And sinners don't go to heaven."_

 _They are not an overtly religious family, but they do attend church nearly every Sunday. It is as routine to JJ as putting on socks and shoes in the morning._

" _Rosalyn did not commit suicide," her mother says firmly._

" _She didn't? Daddy said-"_

" _She was tricked, Jenny. You're old enough to understand this now, I think." And her mother pushes her up and spins her a little so that they are looking at each other. "Rosalyn was tricked by another girl. A very bad, very mean and confused girl. She didn't mean to leave us all."  
Her mother speaks with careful precision, reminding JJ of the sex talk she received a couple weeks ago. _

" _She was tricked," JJ says, hearing the doubt in her voice. Ros was the smartest person she knew. How was this possible?_

 _Her mother leans forward and kisses her forehead, leaving her lips there for a second longer than usual. "Ros is in heaven, darling. And she watches you play soccer, and she watched you get your honor trophy at school last week, and she's just about the proudest big sister any kid could have."_

 _JJ smiles, despite the tears this brings to both their eyes, and settles back against her mother._

" _I love you, Mommy," she says. "I'll never leave you, okay? I won't get tricked."_

 _Her mother sniffs, but chuckles into JJ's hair, planting another kiss on the crown of her head. "Rosalyn watches over us every day. We will be happy again, under her care. You'll see."_

" _Happy," JJ echoes, eyes dropping closed._

" _Happy."_

…

… _.._

Carrie returns the next day, when they have the first suspect in custody. It is Emily's idea to have Ervin see her, in the hopes that he will open up about his partner Gary's whereabouts.

"But you don't have to," JJ says, with a quick glance at Emily. "You don't have to if you don't want to."

They'd had a little spat, earlier, about whether or not it was a good idea to bring Carrie in to see him. JJ was against it, Emily staunchly for.

"Can we just stop and think about this for a minute?" JJ had said, when the guilt wouldn't let her be silent any longer.

"She'll be okay," Emily had said.

 _Not everyone is like you_ , JJ had wanted to reply. _Not everyone is so good at keeping the world out._ _Haven't you learned that by now?_

What she said was "She's a _kid_. What is she trying to prove here?"

And the way Emily had paused, the way she'd looked at JJ for a full beat before answering, maybe she understood all the things that JJ was not saying. "That she can be a good daughter," Emily had said.

JJ had been too taken aback to say anything else.

 _Can I come with you, Ros?  
No.  
Why?  
Because you're the good one, Jenny. _

Now, Carrie looks at Emily.

"I'll be right there with you. No one will hurt you," she says, and it's as though JJ doesn't exist. "I'll be right there. If it gets too much, we leave. Just like that."

And she is true to her word. JJ watches through the window with the rest of the team as the teen tries to wring deep answers out of a man who has none. Emily is stoic and steadfast by her side for the entirety, and when Carrie breaks down again, at the end, there are the brunette's arms to wrap her up.

 _Did you ever comfort my sister? Did Ros confide in you? Did you hold her?_

JJ pushes the questions away. They have a place now. They have their second Unsub.

Emily's plan, Emily's bond with Carrie, _Emily_ has solved this case for them.

…

…

They are all wrung out by the time they board the plane the next evening. The ride back to DC is quieter than most JJ can remember. She hears Hotch speaking to his wife, asking her to wake their son so that he can hear his voice.

Morgan heads directly for the little bar, flipping open his phone to call Garcia. Reid cracks a book that JJ recognizes as one of Gideon's, and Emily…

Emily stares out the window as they taxi towards the runway. Like always, it is impossible to tell what she is thinking.

JJ sits down across from her, instead of her normal seat to the right. Emily barely glances her way.

 _You stay away from people like that._

 _I won't get tricked, Mommy, okay?_

"You okay?" JJ asks, finding she really does want to know.

Emily tries at a smile, but the crack in her voice gives her away. "Yeah," she says. "Yes."

JJ had heard her tell Hotch that she could take Carrie, bring her back to DC and raise her. She'd sounded serious, sincere.

And although Hotch hadn't noticed the look on Emily's face when he'd told her that they'd located Carrie's aunt, JJ had.

She'd heard more in Emily's answer to Hotch's call for impartiality.

"I need to know you can be objective," He'd said.

"And I need to know I can be human." A reply JJ doesn't think Emily meant to give.

"They're good people," JJ says, following her first instinct, which is to be kind to this woman. "Carrie's family," she clarifies. "Garcia checked and double checked."

Emily looks away, though not to pull up any one of her numerous shields. "Good," she says with a little sigh. "I'm glad." Her eyes drift back towards the window.

"I-I think it's a good idea, though," JJ says, unsure what is driving her to keep searching for an in, a connection.

"What's that?" Emily asks, wary.

"You," JJ says, lowering her voice. "Kids…I can see it."

At first, it seems that Emily's first reaction is to scoff, to push JJ's words off with a joke, but then she seems to decide against this. It seems her need for reassurance, at that moment, will not be denied.

"Yeah?" she asks, and for once, everything about her is open and vulnerable.

JJ could cut her down, right here. She could ruin her.

 _No. You killed my sister._

JJ nods. She smiles. She _means_ it.

Emily smiles too then, a surprised, thoroughly delighted, secret little smile. She goes back to looking out the window, but the smile does not fade.

JJ feels warm. She feels closer to Ros at that moment than she has in over twenty years.

She cannot help the words that come out next. She could not stop them if she wired her jaw shut.

"Did she love you?" She whispers.

The smile slides from Emily's lips, but she doesn't look surprised by this question.

"God," she whispers to the window. "I hope so."

"Did she say it?"

Emily looks down into her lap, clenching her jaw. "Yes," she whispers.

"And you loved her."

Emily nods, swallowing hard. She looks up at JJ with an expression that clearly says, _please don't make me cry here, in front of these people._

And JJ reaches out for her automatically, to grasp her hand, and then thinks better of it and pulls back.

"I-" but she doesn't know what to say. She has too many questions. She has too many misgivings.

Emily shakes her head. She shuts her eyes tight and then opens them. Dry.

"One more," JJ says, leaning forward. The natural light outside the plane is dying now, and only Reid has his overhead light on. "One more, please."

Emily nods jerkily, not looking up.

"Did you get to tell each other? Before she…did you get to see her?"

Emily holds herself so still that JJ thinks her question might have turned her to stone.

Then, finally, Emily nods. "Yes," she says thickly. "Yes."

This makes JJ feel infinitely better, though only three days ago she would have said she wanted to hear opposite.

"Good," she says, and the word comes out of her like a sigh of relief.

Emily looks up at her sharply. "Jennifer," she says. "I will…tell you anything you want to know, about my relationship with your sister. I will." She looks pleading, like JJ has argued with her. "Okay?"

And again the brunette's expression says, _Please…not here._

JJ nods, trying to show that she understands in the way she smiles.

"Call me JJ."

…

…

* * *

 **The beginnings of Friendship! We've still got quite a few bumps in the road, but I think they're on their way to something real now. Thank you as always for everything you guys have to say! Please remember that if you're on anon, I don't have any way to respond to you directly. You can contact me on tumblr (colormetheworld) if FF isn't your jam. Greeneyedconstellations, I hope you continue to enjoy this. Next chapter will give you a much better picture of Emily and Ros' relationship, though not the ENTIRE story. Velvet95, Lktwh13, I am trying to portray parents that love their children and are good good parents, they are just so incredibly homophobic. I hope I'm succeeding. It is difficult. We'll see more of Sandy and Mike (I named him Mike) in future chapters. Zarosguth, I love your reviews. How are you finding JJ's progress. She's coming around…albeit slowly. Next chapter we'll see why Em's 6 year relationship ended. You're not far off. Siddeade, Jake67jake, thanks for reviewing! I am having a lot of fun living in JJ's head as she tries to come to terms. Michaudia, letirreis, welcome.**

 **Okay okay. Next chapter is Seven Seconds. I'm really excited!**

 **On on!**

 **Happy reading.**

 **tc**


	5. Chapter 5

_JJ sits on the steps, straining to hear. Rosalyn has broken curfew for the third time this week, and her parents have stationed themselves at the dining room table to wait for her return, speaking in hushed terms about punishments and united fronts._

"… _and you can't cry," she hears her father say. "She knows that's when she's got you, Sandy. If you're going to cry, I'll do it myself."_

" _I just don't understand where we lost her. Where we went…" JJ's mother moves away from the dining room doorway, and JJ misses the end of her sentence._

" _We'll stay strong," her father says. "And if she loves JJ…" but he moves after his wife, and although JJ scoots down two more steps, risking detection, she is unable to hear the rest of his reply._

 _She is about to creep down the rest of the stairs and listen by the doorway, when the front door creaks open, and Ros' hand appears around the jamb._

 _JJ scuttles back up to the first landing, out of sight, as her parents come into the hall from the dining room._

" _Where were you?" her father asks, and JJ can tell he's working very hard to keep the level of his voice under control._

" _Out," Ros says shortly._

" _Out where?" her mother, timid, trying to do whatever it is her husband instructed for this interaction._

" _Just out with some friend," Ros says casually, "I'm not even that late."_

" _You were with that girl again, weren't you?" Her father asks, but he doesn't give her a chance to answer. "I told you that you were not to associate yourself with her any longer."_

" _Dad," Ros says, "You don't even know-"_

 _But he cuts her off again, and by the sound of their voices, they are moving into the dining room, ostensibly to keep her from waking up. "This stops now, Rosalyn," he says firmly. "Your mother and I agree. If you continue to break our rules, there will be consequences."_

 _JJ hears her mother mumble something in agreement, and JJ scoots down the stairs again, trying to hear. She misses the consequences that her father was talking about, but she hears Rosalyn's reply. Her voice starts to rise, anger and panic both evident in her voice._

" _You would do that?" she cries._

 _JJ's mother answers, tears poorly concealed in her voice. "We don't want to, Ros. But you have to think about…"_

" _Jenny is my sister!" Ros yells, and on the stairs, JJ sits back, shocked at hearing her name._

" _Then do right by her!" their father yells. "Where are you going? We are not finished!"_

" _Yeah we are!" Rosalyn is crying, JJ is sure even though she can't see. "We're done. You've made it clear."_

" _Ros!" their mother cries, sounding heartbroken. "Think of Jenny. Think of us!"_

 _And JJ backs up the stairs, hearing their voices get closer. Soon they will be in the hallway, and she'll have to retreat to her room._

" _I'll see Jen," Ros says fiercely. "Or I won't."_

 _And although JJ desperately wants to stay and hear exactly what this means, but her sister's shadow flickers into view on the hallway floor, and she has no choice but to retreat._

 _She shuts the door to her room, hearing her parents explode into a full blown argument downstairs as Ros' shoes pad down the hallway towards her room._

 _JJ puts her hands over her ears, and though it blocks out her parents yelling a bit, it doesn't stop this last sentence from bouncing around her head._

 _I'll see Jen, or I won't._

…

* * *

…

Emily's weakness is kids.

Three days after they return from Colorado, they catch a child abduction in their own backyard. A six year old has been taken from a mall, the second in as many weeks, and from the moment they land the case, JJ can see the way Emily's face flickers over fury, and then dissolves into a ferocity that both frightens and thrills her. They've been asked into the case midmorning, and all of them dressed for a day of office work rather than field work. Emily is wearing a dark grey pantsuit, and blouse, and in the SUV, she toys briefly with the cuffs of her jacket. JJ is about to say something comforting, maybe even reach out and still Emily's fretful hands, but they pull up to the mall, and there is no time.

Katie's mother is nearly inconsolable. The entire team comes quickly and unanimously to the conclusion that neither parent is responsible for her abduction.

The aunt and the uncle seem, at first, to only be guilty of neglecting their son. And the boy…well…

"He knows more than he's letting on, definitely," Morgan says in an aside to JJ. They are standing in a deserted hall, in front of a Forever 21. "But to pull off an abduction under her parent's noses? I don't care how oblivious they are. He's not mature enough."

They look down the hall towards the food court, where the parents stand with the aunt.

"She's calm enough to sit," Derek continues, "we're questioning her husband and her son and she's calm enough to sit."

JJ shrugs. "Maybe holding onto what little sanity she has left?" she suggests.

Morgan doesn't answer, he's looking over JJ's shoulder at something, and JJ turns to see Emily, standing alone in front of a Claire's, looking at the floor.

"She's cooking something," he says with a grin.

"She certainly is," JJ agrees. "I think kids get to her."

Morgan makes a face. "I don't think anything gets to her," he says. "I mean…she tunes into each case, right? But the second it's over," he snaps his fingers, "bang. Right back to unflappable Agent Prentiss."

"How can you say that?" She asks, surprised. Even if he didn't see Emily on the plane after Colorado, he was the one who comforted her after her break up last month. He watched her collapse in front of that bar. "You were the one who comforted her after she broke up with…that girl."

"She was fine by the time we got home," Derek says, lowering his voice. "I drove her, and by the time we pulled up to her condo, she was dry-eyed. Back to normal. Said it was just a shock, unexpected but, what was it?" He checks to make sure that Emily hasn't come any closer. "Not all that surprising."

JJ takes all this in, trying to identify what her emotions are. After a moment, she moves away from Morgan. "I'll be right back," she says. He nods.

"Emily?" JJ approaches slowly, but the brunette does not seem surprised to see her.

"He's abusing her," she says, and it sounds like she's gritting her teeth.

"Who-Katie?" JJ tries to catch up, feeling the sick swoop of her stomach that always comes when the team discovers abuse. "Her father?"

Emily shakes her head. "The uncle. That's why he pays shit attention to his son."

JJ considers this. "So we like the uncle for it? Saw an opportunity to get rid of her, with the other abduction?"

Emily shakes her head. "Hotch might. I don't." She stares at the ground, and JJ can practically hear her brain working.

In that moment, her overarching emotion is awe. The brunette seems singularly cut out for this type of work. "Emily?" She reaches out and puts her hand on Emily's upper arm. "Talk it out," she says quietly. "That's what a team is for."

Emily looks at her, face unreadable, and JJ almost removes her hand. But then Emily furrows her brow.

"It's been an amazingly stressful day for him…why hasn't he asked for a cigarette?"

JJ blinks, trying to keep up. "The uncle? Maybe he doesn't smoke."

Emily shakes her head. "No, his wife-" but she breaks off here and looks up, back towards the food court where the mother, father and aunt are waiting. Her expression is all revelation…and revulsion. She starts towards the table.

"Emily?" JJ hurries after her. "Emily?"

But Emily doesn't speak until they are level with Morgan. "I need to talk to the aunt," she says quickly, her face has slipped into something hard. "And this could get dicey." She steps around JJ, and for the smallest of seconds, she feels Emily's hand in the small of her back.

…

* * *

…

 _JJ wakes to the sound of yelling. Someone is yelling. She sits up in bed, rubbing her eyes with her fists, looking at her bedside table._

 _The clock there is pink, with a princess on top. It wakes her every morning for school with the song "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes." But now it is silent, and the numbers underneath the princess' long skirt say that it won't begin the familiar tune for another several hours._

 _Down the hall, a door is flung open, and the yelling grows louder. JJ realizes that it is not yelling, but sobbing. Crying in its rawest and most vulnerable state._

 _Sandy Jareau bursts into her daughter's room, and JJ only gets a glimpse of her red, anguished face before her mother has grabbed her tightly around the shoulders, shaking her a little. "DID YOU KNOW?" She screams. "DID YOU KNOW?"  
JJ is too shocked to cry, too stunned to feel the pain of her mother's fingers in the joints of her shoulders. She stares back at her mother with wide eyes, trying to fit the question into a place that makes sense. _

" _W-what?" she asks, stuttering, half awake._

 _Her father's face floats in the back ground, vibrating as her mother shakes her again._

" _DID YOU KNOW? ABOUT YOUR SISTER? DID YOU KNOW SHE WAS-" but here, her mother breaks off again, and collapses into her daughter's lap. Inconsolable and unintelligible._

 _JJ looks up at her father, panicked, and is horrified to see that his eyes are red rimmed as well. He is crying too._

" _Daddy?" she whispers?_

 _Her father does not answer her. Instead he leans over his wife and lifts her to her feet, pulling her upright again and again until she is supporting herself._

" _Stay here, Jenny, do you understand?"_

 _She nods, and her parents disappear, leaving her sitting up in bed._

 _It is only then, that she realizes that her sister's little golden necklace is fastened around her neck._

….

* * *

…

She presses the little down button on the metal box until the name Prentiss is highlighted, and then presses call without pausing to second guess. The box rings three times before Emily picks up.

"JJ?" Emily's voice is clear, despite the hour. JJ looks around for the camera that must show her there, in her Uggs and pajama pants, hair in a messy bun.

"I need to speak with you," JJ says, hearing how strained she sounds.

"Now?" Emily doesn't sound annoyed or tired. She seems to only be asking for complete verification, no other reason.

"Yes," JJ says firmly, and she is about to go on when the glass door in front of her buzzes, and she pulls it open, feeling a rush of adrenaline surge through her.

"712," Emily's voice says.

.

" _It didn't just happen Susan. You took her. A six year old, vulnerable child who trusted you. Who trusted your husband. You need to tell me where she is."_

" _I don't know what you're talking about."_

 _JJ hovers around the corner, listening to the vehemence in the brunette's voice. She'd done as Emily had asked, alerted Hotch to the notion that the aunt had gotten rid of her husband's dirty secret, and now she listens to the interrogation, something pulling in her chest, like tears._

 _._

Emily opens the door before JJ can knock, and for a second she is caught off guard by how natural it feels to see Emily in her pajamas.

"JJ?" Emily looks mildly surprised. All the intensity from earlier seems to have gone. She is perfectly in control once again.

This makes JJ furious.

"Why my sister?" she asks, her voice louder than she wants it to be. "Why Rosalyn." The dream is still fresh in her mind, and the sight of Emily is bringing back the events of the day as well.

Emily pulls in a deep breath, stepping back away from the door. "Come in, JJ," she says, sounding tired.

JJ steps into the front hall of Emily's apartment, and for a moment, she forgets her train of thought. The front hall opens up into a kitchen with an island, perfect, stainless steel appliances, the walls all a pale crème color. Beyond the kitchen, through the pass through, JJ can see a cozy little living room, leather sectional couch, flatscreen TV, built in shelves crammed with books, stairs leading off to-

"Would you like something to drink?"

JJ has forgotten that Emily is there. "What?" she says, turning back to face her host.

"Do you want a drink?" Emily repeats. "I have…well, I have wine, and…water…and vodka."

JJ almost laughs, but then over Emily's shoulder she sees a framed picture of the brunette with her ex-girlfriend and anger surges through her again. It's like there are two animals at war in her body.

She wants to like Emily. She _wants to_ , but…

"Why my sister?" she asks, refocusing herself. "Why did you choose Ros?"

Emily leans against the island, folding her arms. "JJ," she says after a moment of contemplation. "You drove all the way over here at one in the morning to ask me why I was in love with your sister."

JJ has a physical reaction to the last part of the sentence, and there is no way Emily doesn't notice. They are facing each other.

 _You stay away from people like that._

"You weren't sleeping," JJ says, hoping to divert. "It's not like you were sleeping."

Emily almost smirks. "And how would you know that?" she asks. "You been on a stake out?"

JJ flushes, anger and something else that she can't name. "You answered the door too quickly to have come from wherever in this mansion your bedroom is."

Emily raises an eyebrow, and trepidation tempers JJ's rage. "You weren't sleeping…were you?"

"No," Emily replies. "I wasn't."

"So then, will you please answer my question?"

Emily is silent for a long time. "Why Rosalyn," she says finally, like she's checking to make sure she's heard correctly.

"Yes," JJ says. "H-how did you meet?"

"School," Emily says simply. "Ros was in my Junior Calculus class. Jareau, Prentiss, then some sickly kid named Proulx. I joked to her that I was stuck in the middle of France."

"Did she laugh?"

Emily smiles. "Yes, but I think it was more because she was polite than because I was funny."

"And did you kiss her?"

Emily raises her eyebrows, but moves to the fridge, opening the freezer. She pulls out the bottle of vodka and half turns around before changing her mind and switching it out for the wine. She gets one glass down, and then another.

"JJ," she says quietly. "I…" she pauses, as if unsure.

"You said you'd answer any questions I had about Ros," JJ says calmly. "You said you'd tell me about her."

Emily blinks at the empty glasses on her counter, and then she slowly pours one, hand steady.

"You heard me talking to Susan." Emily has a way of asking questions that sound like statements.

"Did you kiss my sister?" JJ asks again.

"Yes." Emily said.

"Did you make her?"

Emily takes a long slow sip before answering. "What?"

"Did you _make_ her?" JJ repeats. "The way your father made you."

Emily looks up at her, a dark, searching look that does not waver. "My father," she says slowly.

"Or your uncle…trusted mentor, teacher…whoever."

Emily takes a deep breath. "JJ I said I would answer any questions you had about Ros. She was your sister and you were just a little girl and you deserve…" She falters here, and JJ is positive she's about to say _the truth_. Instead, she makes a frustrated noise, stretching her fingers against the granite counter top of the island. "You may ask me anything about your sister," she starts again. "I will answer you to the best of my ability. But that same courtesy does not extend to my personal life." She straightens and looks JJ in the eyes. "Fair enough?"

"No," JJ spits. "It's not fair."

"Why?"

"Because I need to know who you are. I need to know who it is I'm working with, and need to know what made you so special."

Emily presses her lips together, like words she wants to say are right there, on the tip of her tongue. "Jennifer," she says evenly. "Nothing about me was special. Ros didn't love me for some special magical reason."

"She chose you over me!" It's out before she's aware that she's formulated the sentence. "She chose you over her family. She picked _you_ , Emily. Why?"

"Is that what you think? That she _chose_ me?"

"It's the truth," JJ says.

"If she'd chosen me," Emily says, "she'd still be with me. She would not be dead."

There is silence while JJ lets this sink in. "You're saying that it's my parent's fault," she says suddenly, and when Emily doesn't answer, fury flares inside JJ.

" _This_ _is how Katie sees herself," JJ hears Emily say. "Self loathing. Dirty, disgusting. That is what your husband made her feel. Those nights she stayed at your house, and he would sneak into her room and tell her not to make a sound. Do you have any idea how terrified she must have been? How confused? While you lay awake, protecting an animal who will always have those urges, and always has."_

 _JJ cringes away from Emily's words, pressing against the wall outside the makeshift interrogation room. Half of her knows that this tactic will work. She will get her confession._

 _But the other half of her is screaming._

"My parents were _good_ parents. They _loved_ Ros!" JJ says, trying to keep herself in check. She hates the way she feels around this woman: like everything that was once perfectly balanced is now sliding slowly down a slope.

"Of course they loved Ros," Emily echoes quickly. "They loved you _both_ so much that they would do anything for you. Anything to keep you from things they thought would hurt you." With a bit of effort, Emily places her wine glass down on the kitchen island. JJ notices her hand shake, and feels a guilty shock of satisfaction that she is causing a reaction that Emily can't control. "What they couldn't see, however," Emily continues, "is that Ros' relationship with me was not harmful. Being gay is not-"

"Ros wasn't gay!" JJ shouts, the words as inevitable as the kickback of a shotgun. "You tricked her!" She can't help herself. It's patellar response.

She is a logical, educated woman with many friends of different sexualities. Her job has taught her the difference between perversion and normality. Between deviance and simple, daily life.

She has been programmed.

The thought enters her head unbidden, and she looks up at Emily with wide eyes, almost on the verge of apology.

But Emily has lost her temper, shouting at JJ the way she'd shouted at Susan only hours ago. "Oh, JJ _wake up!"_ She yells. "Wake _up_ , will you?" She looks bewildered by her own outburst, but unable to stop it. "You honestly think I could trick someone like Rosalyn? Think about how outspoken, and kind, and smart she was. You truly think I lured her away from the safe confines of your family and tricked her into kissing me because my own parents sexually abused me?" Emily takes a breath, running a hand through her hair, releasing it from its loose ponytail. She doesn't comment on JJ's furious blush.

"Jesus, JJ," she says quietly, and when she looks up from the table, her eyes are wide, wounded. "I loved your sister because she was amazing. Because she was intelligent and brave and caring. And because she was nice to me, the weird, new kid, when no one else was. Because we could talk about anything and everything. Because of the way her face lit up when she talked about _you."_

She pauses here, in case JJ would like to interject, but there's nothing to say. JJ can't think of anything to say.

Emily sighs. "She didn't choose me over you, Jennifer. She wasn't even allowed to choose herself."

JJ crosses her arms, unable to look up.

"And I know why that mother resonated with you," Emily says quietly. She sits down at a stool by the kitchen island, facing JJ, her hands tight in her lap. "I heard her screaming when I led Susan off. _What have you done to Katie? What did you do to her_?"

JJ shakes her head. "Is that how you feel about my parents? Is that how you think they made her feel? Self loathing?"

Emily is silent for a moment. "They loved her," she says finally. "She loved them so much."

"But?"

Emily shakes her head. "But there were nights when I held her while she cried over the fact that they would never understand her. There were times when she was numb and unresponsive, just whispering over how disgusting and horrible she was. There were times when she wouldn't let me near her, when she tried to deny me, and herself, when she had herself convinced that all she needed was the acceptance of her family."

 _There's nothing left for you to protect, Susan. Instead of shielding her from more pain, you blamed her for your own."_

"No. No no no," JJ says, like an echo of the aunt as Emily had turned the screws.

" _Yes you did. You have robbed Katie of her childhood. Are you going to steal the rest of her life from her as well?"_

JJ looks up at Emily, surprised to see she has come closer. She stands in front of JJ with her hands out, like an apology. "You have to be ready," she says clearly. "I won't, if you're not ready."

JJ blinks. She cannot continue at war with herself. Not if she wants to know the Emily Prentiss that her sister knew. Not if she wants to be her friend.

She swallows. "Tell me everything."

….

...

...

….

 **Happy (late) New Year, friends. This chapter got a bit away from me in terms of length, but it all needed to be here. JJ has a decision coming. The first of a couple difficult ones. The episode is Seven Seconds (3x5) and it's probably my favorite CM episode in all 11 seasons (Although last week's was PRETTY GREAT). The scene where Prentiss is questioning the aunt is on my tumblr (colormetheworld) not too far down, if you want to take a looksee. It's my favorite scene…**

 **Nanny Alberte, I read JJ as this really competent, professional person with a lot of emotional baggage that she's not great at accessing. Part of that could be because the show has had trouble getting inside the character satisfactorily, but that's the direction I'm pushing it. I wrote a one shot about the dog's episode…maybe I will post it. Velvet95, we'll get a bit more Prentiss inner thoughts in this next chapter. Zarosguth, I LOVE making people think. That's the best compliment I could receive. Don't get too doom thinking on me. JJ's a fighter, she'll come around. Smashley, this next chapter should please you. It's predominantly Em & Ros. **

**Okay. Seriously. No more rambling.**

 **Happy reading**

 **tc**


	6. Chapter 6

_As a rule, Emily avoids deep friendships. As she gets older and wiser, and it becomes clear to her that her mother's career is more important than a steady and consistent home base for her daughter, Emily teaches herself how to make surface friends. These friends are usually boys, usually older than she is, usually interested in one thing._

 _She becomes versed in comics when they live in San Francisco, in bull riding when they live in Texas. She molds herself to fit the group of boys in her school with the biggest potential for detachment. She stays away from the groups of girls with their judgmental eyes, and their compacts of make-up._

 _Boys don't have secrets._

 _Boys don't cry when she moves away mid semester._

 _So what the hell is she doing? Here alone with a girl, and not just with any girl, but the one who's been on her mind so frequently in the past couple of days._

 _How did she let it get this far? And what the hell is she thinking when Rosalyn Jareau leans in and presses their lips together. Why doesn't she pull away?_

" _Woah," Ros says quietly, and it is she that pulls away first. Emily can't think of anything to say at all. Her mind has zoomed ahead to the moment her mother gets a new posting. To the moment they leave this little Podunk, too good to be true town, and move on to the next place. She can already feel the loss of this girl. She does not like it at all._

 _Ros grabs her hand. "You're freaking out," she says, her voice matter of fact._

 _Emily sees no reason to lie. "I'm freaking out."_

" _But…" Ros' eyes are like an x-ray. "Not about the kiss."_

 _Emily shakes her head. "No," she says, and Rosalyn's smile is slow and utterly arresting._

" _Does that mean I can do it again?"_

 _Emily nods, and Ros leans in, and for a moment the kiss is good. It is all plummeting stomach and dizzying vertigo. Then Ros' hand slides up her arm, and Emily has to pull away._

" _Sorry," she says, opening her eyes to look into Emily's face. "Sorry. Too fast, yeah?" she shakes her head. "I've just been thinking about doing that for like two weeks. Since you eviscerated that stuck up bitch Mia in History."_

 _Emily shakes her head, trying for a smile. She had stopped the kiss because it was moving too fast, but not in the way that Rosalyn thinks. Emily is not afraid of where the kiss will lead. She is afraid of the way that this is going to end._

 _Boys. This is why she sticks to boys._

 _She is about to make an excuse, but then then something occurs to her._

" _Wait. You've been thinking about kissing me for two weeks?"_

 _And Rosalyn doesn't even look the least bit embarrassed. "Yes," she says simply. "I had a dream about it, and then it was all I could think about. It's why I tried to talk to you in P.E. yesterday, but you rushed out so fast."_

 _Emily stares at her. "I thought you were going to make fun of my basketball skills," she says honestly. "I thought you were pissed to have me on your team, I kind of lost you the game."_

 _Ros shrugs. "You look really cute when you're flustered," she says, still unabashed. "I didn't care about the game after you accidentally made that basket for the other team. Kicked Sarah in the shins so she wouldn't make fun of you," she adds. And when Emily looks at her with wide eyes, she laughs._

" _So," Emily says, trying to catch up. "You've had…what? Girlfriends before?"_

 _Ros' stops smiling. "No," she says._

" _Boyfriends?"_

" _One," Ros concedes. "But he got handsy in his car and I wasn't into it. I gave him a black eye and that was the end of it."_

" _So you're gonna give me a black eye if I get too bold?" It's out before Emily can stop it, and Rosalyn's laugh sends a wave of shivers through her body. This is like every wonderful dream and horrible nightmare she's ever had. She can feel their last kiss when she tells Ros that she's moving away. That her mother has another post._

" _Are you gonna get bold?" Ros asks, and her voice has dropped a little._

 _Emily swallows. "What?"_

" _I see you looking at me, sometimes. When you're hanging out with Ronnie and his friends. Is that why you hang out with guys all the time? Because you're into girls?"_

 _Emily shakes her head. "Guys are easier to leave behind," she says automatically._

 _Ros nods, smirking. "So you're a heartbreaker," she says, and Emily finds herself reaching out to the other girl, as if Ros has made a move to leave._

" _What? No! I'm not. My mother is. I mean. We move a lot. Guys are easier to leave behind then girls. Friendships with girls are harder to…stop."_

 _And Ros is smiling again, and somehow their hands are linked and this is going to be the worst kind of good bye that Emily has ever had to endure, she knows it already. But when Ros squeezes her hand, she squeezes back._

 _And they kiss again._

 _And Emily doesn't care._

…

…

"And suddenly, it was just the two of us," Emily's voice is quiet and steady, but she leans back into the couch and she doesn't look at JJ, sitting spellbound in the armchair across from her, her own glass of water untouched. "It was like everything I'd tried to keep from happening in other places just...caught up to me."

"My sister was your first girlfriend?" JJ asks, and Emily considers her fingernails, bitten to the quick.

"Yes," she says after a moment. "I had a crush on a girl in Austin, I was thirteen or fourteen, she was a little older. We kissed a couple times, but my mother caught me doodling her name in the margins of a book," Emily colors slightly, as though the memory still embarrasses her. "She pulled me aside and explained to me that there were certain things that someone in my position had to do, in order to make those around her more comfortable." Emily looks up in time to see JJ's confused expression.

"It would look bad for her," she clarifies, "a woman trying to work her way up the political ladder, to have a daughter who…" she trails off, looking around for the right words.

"Liked other daughters?" JJ offers, and Emily smiles for the first time in what seems like hours.

"Perfectly put," she responds. "I was useful to her. And I became less useful if she had to worry that my playdates, social outings she called them, were going to turn x-rated." Emily smiles at some private thought. "And then, we never talked about it again. I began to date boys. The world moved on."

"And then Ros," JJ says, and the smile disappears from Emily's face.

"Yes," she says quietly. "And then Ros." She sighs. "And then everything," she adds.

…

…

 _Emily is in love with Rosalyn. She can't pretend like it's not true. She has fallen head over heels for this girl from History and Homeroom and there is nothing she can do to make the feeling go away._

 _And that is why she's standing in the bathroom with her, between classes, in the last stall that no one uses, trying to get Rosalyn to stop crying._

 _Something has happened. Something bad. Ros texted her to meet and the moment she'd pushed open the door, there'd been tears._ _  
Emily can feel her heartbeat in her neck. It seems like eons ago that she was ever happy._

" _Talk to me," she says again, desperate. "Ros, talk to me, please. Did I do something? Did something happen?"_

 _Rosalyn cries harder, burying her face in her hands, and Emily feels her own tears burn the backs of her eyes. It is over. It is over and she isn't even moving. She will have to come to this place day after day and see this girl, the girl she is in love with, and not be able to touch her or talk to her, and God, this is worse than all of her other predictions. Why had she thought this was a good idea. Why did she ever-_

 _But Rosalyn speaks then, and Emily's spiral is curtailed._

" _I love you, Em," Rosalyn sniffs. She reaches out a trembling hand and Emily takes it at once. "I'm in love with you."_

 _Relief threatens to knock Emily off her feet. She uses Ros' proffered hand to pull her closer and wrap her up in a hug. "Good," she says, and she sounds breathless. "That's really good because I'm so in love with you, too," she whispers._

 _Ros turns her head into Emily's chest, holding tight to her t-shirt. "It's not," she says, muffled against the brunette's collarbone. "It's not good."_

 _Emily's arms tighten automatically, though she forces herself to remain calm. "What? Why?"_

" _Debbie McIntyre saw us kissing two days ago after school. Remember? By the tree at the soccer field?"_

 _Emily will never forget. It was the first time in her life that she'd wished she was doing more than just kissing. She'd put her hand on Ros' hip and pressed her back against the tree and Rosalyn had moaned into her mouth. She'd been underwater for the rest of the day._

" _Yeah," is all she says now, because her girlfriend's pretty blue eyes are filling up again. "So?"_

" _We go to the same church," Ros says miserably. "She told our pastor. He told my father," her lip quivers. "We got in the huge fight last night when I got home. Mom was crying. Dad just yelled and yelled about how it's a sin, and there's no way they're letting me run around with some…" she trails off here, looking away, but Emily can guess what she's been labeled._

" _They're wrong," Emily says, trying not to sound angry. "It's not a sin."_

 _Rosalyn shakes her head. "Jenny woke up to the yelling. She was so freaked out. My parents don't yell, Em. We never fight, about anything. But they went apeshit. They said if they hear I'm with you again…They said…" but she shakes her head again and doesn't go on._

 _Emily has dropped her hands from around Ros' waist. "I don't understand," Emily says dumbly, which is not exactly the truth. She just wants Rosalyn to say it out loud. "I don't understand. What are we supposed to do now?"_

 _Ros won't look at her. Emily wants to kiss her. She wants to beg her not to do this._

 _She doesn't say anything._

" _I just need some time," Ros says this like she knows what it's doing to Emily. Like she's remembering all their conversations and late night texts. Like she knows that Emily is the leaver, that she has no experience with being left. "I just need some time," she repeats. "I didn't expect them to be like this. They'll come around, I just…I just need some time."_

 _And Emily nods. She steps away. She doesn't cry because it's not her parents who screamed at her and devastated her and called her girlfriend a dyke. She nods, and she doesn't say that time might be the one thing she doesn't have to give._

" _Take all the time you need."_

…

...

"You know, Rosalyn accused me of tricking her once, too." Emily says this into the silence like peace offering.

JJ sits up in her chair. "She did?"

"Yes. She used a lot of the same words you did. She said that no one ever touched her. She said she wasn't sick and messed up, the way I was."

This makes JJ wince. "I'm sorry for saying-"

"I'm not telling you so you'll apologize," Emily says quickly. "I'm telling you so you can hear your parents in your own words. Or your pastor or whoever it is that told you that homosexuality is created by abuse."

"I know it's not true," JJ confesses, feeling like a little kid in the presence of an elder. "I'm not an idiot, or an asshole. It's just…"

"Different when it comes to your family," Emily acknowledges. "I know." JJ can feel Emily's eyes on her, can feel how she wants to say more.

"For what it's worth," she says after a moment. "Your parents truly loved you and wanted to do right by you." She sighs. "And your sister knew that."

…

 _Emily fully expects that they will not return to Carlisle after the Christmas and New Year holidays. She and her mother bounce between New York City, Washington DC and Boston, Massachusetts, and each time they touch down in another large, bustling city, Emily waits for her mother to tell her that this is where they will be living. She waits for the ominous dinner that is just the two of them, for the lamb and potatoes that means her mother has "something very important to talk about."_

 _But the conversation doesn't come, and on the flight into Harrisburg on the first of January, Emily gets up the nerve to ask her mother what's going on._

 _The ambassador takes off her reading glasses at Emily's question and sets the memo she'd been reading aside. "You don't want to complete your Junior year at your current high school?"_

 _Emily hesitates. She had thought that Christmas and then possibly New Year would take her mind off of Rosalyn; that the wound would heal in the same way that it did when she had to leave a place that she really liked. Italy, for instance, had been the most difficult to leave. She was ten, almost eleven, and she'd spent almost three years there. It felt like home, and getting on a plane for the United States had felt akin to heart surgery without anesthesia._

 _But losing Rosalyn. The thought of being back in her presence but not actually being with her._

" _Emily?"_

" _I wasn't aware that it was a matter of what I wanted, Mother," Emily answers, trying to keep her voice as bland and agreeable as possible. She hasn't discussed her relationship or heartbreak with the ambassador. What would she say? "You're always talking about duty. I just thought-"_

" _In this case, Emily," the Ambassador had interrupted, "your schooling takes precedence. Junior year is very important, and universities don't always look kindly on candidates who move mid term in the last couple years of high school. Do you find your work challenging enough? Satisfactory? Your grades continue to be stellar."_

 _As close to a compliment as she can hope for._

" _Yes," Emily says finally. "I…like Carlisle very much."_

 _And her mother nods to show that the conversation has reached its conclusion, and she replaces her reading glasses on the bridge of her nose and picks up her memo._

" _Sit up straight," she says without looking up._

 _Emily does._

 _She is ready to muscle her way through the rest of the school year. Ready to forget her feelings for Rosalyn by pure effort of will. But she's putting her books into her locker before the first bell on the first day back after break, when Ros walks up to her and kisses her on the lips._

 _There, in the hall, in full view of anyone who chooses to look,_ _Ros presses Emily hard against the wall of lockers. She pulls Emily's shirt out of the waistband of her pants and trails her fingers against her bare stomach. Emily whimpers, and Rosalyn smiles into the kiss._

" _Emily," she breathes, and Emily shudders, a mess._

" _Ros," she manages. "What are you doing?" she tries to pull away and can't. Rosalyn grips her tighter. "First bell is going to ring any second," Emily says, panic starting to wend its way through her surprise and excitement. "Anyone could walk in and see us."_

" _Let them," Rosalyn says between kisses. Her hands are insistent. Emily is so light headed that she's seeing stars. "I missed you so much. Please say you didn't fall for someone else over break. Please say you still love me. I was such an asshole."_

 _Emily shakes her head, bewildered. "No you weren't. You…There's no one else…Ros, wait…Rosalyn!" She manages to get both of the other girl's hands in hers. "What's going on?" she asks._

" _I'm kissing my girlfriend," Ros says incredulously, as if this is obvious. "I missed her."_

 _Emily shakes her head. "What about your parents?" she presses. "What about time?"_

 _For a moment, Rosalyn looks angry and hurt. For a moment the desolation that was apparent in the bathroom is back, and Emily knows she will have to press this point, that she will have to get the whole story._

 _But Rosalyn shakes this expression off, and she redoubles her hold on Emily's waist. "I don't want to waste any more time," she says quietly. "I know who I am and I know what I want. And I just kept thinking about all the things you said about how you sometimes just…don't come back from breaks. And it doesn't matter what my parents think. It doesn't matter what they say about it," Ros looks away, and Emily knows that this is a lie, but she doesn't call her on it. She is too caught up in the feeling of Rosalyn's hands on her back. She is too wrapped up in the knowledge that they have the rest of the year, maybe even some of the summer, to be together._

" _I don't need any more time, Em. I need you."_

 _The first bell rings, but neither girl pulls away._

…

…

Emily is silent for a long time. JJ glances around at the clock on top of the TV. It is three in the morning, but she doesn't feel the least bit sleepy.

Everything makes so much more sense now. JJ feels cowed in the presence of this picture of her sister. A bigger, more complete picture. Rosalyn wasn't just her sister, or her mother's daughter. She wasn't just her "daddy's little girl."

"They fought a lot that winter," she says into the silence. "Mostly nights when they thought I was sleeping. She put a 'keep out' sign on her door."

Emily nods. "They were so close. You were all _so_ close as a family. It was inconceivable to her that who she chose to kiss could tear that apart. She refused to let it be."

"The way your mother did?" JJ asks, genuinely curious.

Emily sighs. She looks tired and sad, and JJ wonders what it's costing her to relay this part of her history. "My mother cared about appearances. If nothing was affecting her politically, she didn't feel the need to know about it. Times were changing, I was getting older. She began to see my sexuality as a chip she could cash in when the time was ready." Emily bites at the nail of her index finger. "Ros wanted me – wanted the things that I represented – and she wanted her family too. She wouldn't take a compromise."

This makes JJ smile. "Yeah. She wasn't the best at that." Emily does not return the expression, and JJ understands why. She'd never considered where her sister went after these blowouts with her parents. She just knew she was gone.

But now she sees that she was gone to this woman. She can see Emily as the dark eyed teen that she was, so in love with this girl who was caught between two impossible choices.

JJ can see it. Emily was good to Rosalyn.

They were good to each other.

"It was hard on you," she says.

Emily shakes her head. "It was hard on _her_ , and there was nothing I could do about it."

…

…

" _They used to tell me they loved me every single day. Now they won't even look at me."_

" _Ros."_

" _Dad thinks I need and exorcism and Mom goes between crying and asking what she did wrong to yelling at dad for doing things wrong."_

" _They're confused. They've never had to deal with this."_

" _They're monsters."_

" _You love them."_

" _I love_ _you_ _, Em."_

" _I'm not making you choose. You can love us both. We can sneak around less. I can-"_

" _Don't. When I'm not with you I can't breathe. When I picture my life without you…without what I feel when I'm with you, I can't breathe."_

" _Come here. Stop pacing."_

" _Why don't they get that? Why can't they see that I'm the same person? I'm the same, I'm just…I'm so much happier."_

" _You don't seem happy."_

" _They…They're killing me, Em."_

" _No. We'll get through it. The Ambassador says it makes sense to complete my high school career here. That it looks better on an application. Do you know what that means?"_

" _Mom told Daddy she was worried about me being alone with Jenny. She told him that. Last night. I heard her."_

" _Ros. Did you hear me? I get to stay with you. We get to stay together. And once we're in college, fuck what this stupid town thinks."_

" _This stupid town is my whole life."_

" _Rosalyn."_

" _You're my whole life, Em."_

"… _I'm sorry."_

" _I'm dying."_

" _Ros."_

" _I'm dead."_

…

…

"I'll see Jenny, or I won't," JJ murmurs, and Emily lifts her head from her knees. Her eyes are barely in focus, like wading through the past is taking a physical toll on her. JJ wonders if Emily sees Rosalyn when she looks at her.

"What?"

"The last fight Ros had with our parents. Before she gave me her necklace and went out the window…to see you?"

Emily nods, looking away.

"They fought. And I couldn't hear everything, but I heard Ros say that she would see me, or she wouldn't." JJ feels tears burn her eyes. "And I thought…I thought she was saying it didn't matter. That she didn't care."

Emily's eyes widen. "She cared about you more than she cared about anyone in the entire world, Jennifer. You have to know that."

"They were telling her they'd keep us apart," JJ says, fighting to keep her voice steady. "Weren't they?"

Emily swallows hard enough that JJ can see it from across the room. "JJ."

"Tell me! She came to see you the night she died. The night my parents told her to choose between us. Tell me what happened, Emily."

Emily shakes her head, but not to indicate resistance. She is trying not to cry. And she is failing.

"She came to your house," JJ prompts. "The Ambassador wasn't home…"

Emily takes a breath. "She was too strong," she whispers. "She wasn't going to bend. Not for anyone." Emily wraps her arms around herself, an act of self-comfort that JJ has seen in victims who have been cut off from the rest of society. "She wasn't going to bend," Emily repeats. "So she broke."

…

…

" _Ros?" Emily can tell that something is wrong right from the moment the other girl sets foot in her bedroom, sliding through the window like almost every other night. "Rosalyn?"_

" _Stand up." Rosalyn's voice is deep. Strange._

 _Emily does as she is asked, pushing herself up from her desk chair, homework forgotten. "Ros?" she questions again. Her girlfriend's eyes seem different, darker somehow._

" _Take your shirt off," Rosalyn demands. Emily reaches for the hem of her shirt, but falters, trying to read the situation._

" _What's wrong?" she asks. "Rosie. What happened? Tell me what's wrong."_

 _But Rosalyn shakes her head, advancing on Emily and pushing her towards the bed. "I want to be with you," she says, voice dropping. She pulls off Emily's t-shirt and then her own, and they have had their hands on each other, and Emily has felt Rosalyn's ribs under her fingers, but she has never seen her girlfriend like this._

" _Bra," Rosalyn mutters, and Emily's heels hit the end of her bed and they both tumble backwards._

 _They are bare chested, and then just in underwear, and Emily's heart in her ears is like the bass line of a rock song._

" _Tell me to stop," Rosalyn says. Her hand plays over one of Emily's breasts and it's hard to breathe. Her whole body is tingling. "Tell me," Rosalyn says again. "Tell me to stop. You don't want this."_

 _Emily shakes her head. "I want this," she grunts. "I want you." She opens her eyes. "Don't stop."_

 _Rosalyn's face changes. She makes a growling noise, low in her throat._

 _She snaps the light off._

…

" _Em," Rosalyn's voice is right by her ear, and Emily fights sleep, reaching out to take her girlfriend's hand. She is boneless. The darkness is full now._

" _I love you," she slurs. "Stay here. The Ambassador never comes in. Stay."_

 _Rosalyn is kissing her neck, her shoulders. She is straddling her. Emily reaches up to touch her, tracing her ribcage._

" _You feel so good," Rosalyn breathes, leaning down to kiss Emily again. "Fuck you," she whispers, "for feeling so good."_

" _Yes," Emily is sure she's half dreaming. Her girlfriend's voice, the weight of her, she is all coiled springs. "Yes," she whispers back, "fuck me."_

 _And Rosalyn snarls, a sound Emily hasn't heard from her before. She rocks them together. Harder this time. She bends and presses her forehead against Emily's._

" _Fuck," she growls._

" _Yes," Emily says. She is coming apart._

" _Emily," Rosalyn whispers. "You're all I have."_

 _Emily is so tired, so bone heavy and exhausted, that she can barely even grunt._

" _Em. I'm drowning. You're all I have. Please promise me you'll stay with me. Stay with me here. I can't help how good you feel. I can't help it. I love you so much."_

 _And Rosalyn is crying, and Emily reaches for her, tucking her into her side, barely registering the wetness on her shoulder._

" _Stay," she murmurs. "I love you. Stay."_

 _And that is the last thing she remembers._

…

…

"I fell asleep," Emily says hoarsely. There are two tear tracks down her face, but she is not actively crying. "When I woke up, my mother was in my room. Ros was gone."

"Your mother?" JJ finds she is whispering. She clears her throat.

"She said, I'll never forget it. She said. "Your girlfriend has died. I received word about an hour ago. The family has requested you stay away from the funeral proceedings. I assured them there would be no need for a restraining order. Was I correct in giving them my word?"

"Oh my God," JJ breathes. Dual realizations are crashing down on her at that moment.

Emily shakes her head. "We didn't talk about it again. We haven't spoken about any of my relationships since."

"Oh my God," JJ says, and she looks up at Emily. "You don't blame my parents."

The other woman looks at her sharply. "What?"

"You blame yourself, don't you?" JJ stands, unable to keep herself still. "You blame yourself for Ros' death. You think you pushed her to it. You think you're the reason it happened. You don't blame my parents at all."

Emily has gone very, very pale. She stares up at JJ, seemingly at a loss for words.

JJ is about to speak again, when Emily's phone buzzes along the side table. Emily glances at it, and then does a double take. "It's Hotch," she says, reaching for it. "Where's your phone?"

JJ reaches instinctively for the pocket that always holds her phone, and realizes with a start that it is not there.

"I-" she begins, but Emily answers her phone.

"Prentiss." She listens, and JJ watches as her eyes get wide, and she stands too, mouth open in a small 'o' of surprise.

"She's here, with me," Emily says. "We're on our way." She hangs up, and looks at JJ, still as pale as snow.

"Emily?" JJ can't help the thrill of foreboding that has covered her like an ice cold shawl.

"JJ, we have to go," she says, ushering her towards the door.

"What? What's happened, a case?"

Emily shakes her head. She looks as though she steels herself for what she has to say next.

"Penelope's been shot."


	7. Chapter 7

_They are laughing, talking back and forth, throwing the odd chip at each other._

 _They are all there, even Elle and Hotch, the two who usually skip out on this kind of thing._

" _I'm telling you," Penelope says, winking wickedly at JJ. "I have one type, and one type only."_

" _Do tell!" Elle says. She is three margaritas in, and finally starting to loosen up._

" _Well he'd have to be tall, dark skinned, muscled...he'd have to work at the FBI. He'd have to be sexy. And most importantly, he'd have to call me something liiiike-"_

" _Princess?" Derek fills in with a laugh._

" _Perfect," Penelope sighs. And when JJ nudges her, "A girl can dream."_

" _Keep dreaming," JJ says, and the table rumbles with laughter again._

 _She has not felt such camaraderie, such a strong sense of family in a long, long time. Not since before…_

 _She is jerked out of her musing by a hand on her knee. She looks up and sees Elle smiling back at her, eyes just beginning to slide in the way that happens when she's had too much to drink._

" _So what's your type, JJ?" she asks._

 _The men around the table whistle. Even Hotch laughs along good naturedly._

 _JJ blushes crimson._

…

…

"Hey," Emily's voice shakes her from her thoughts, and she looks up to see the brunette standing there, holding a dark blue bag. JJ's go bag.

"Hey," she says, standing quickly. "That's mine."

Emily nods seriously. "Yeah," she says, holding it out. "I thought you'd want a change of things. It didn't seem like you were planning on leaving Penelope's side any time soon."

"I…oh," JJ feels a pang of guilt, but it is removed. "Sorry, I'm…"

Emily seems to understand. "Don't worry about it," she says. "Do you need anything?"

The question does not immediately make sense. There are so many things that JJ needs in that moment. "What?"

"Do you need anything else?" Emily clarifies, and concern has softened her face a bit. "Something to eat? Drink?"

JJ shakes her head, irritated again almost immediately. She feels useless sitting in the waiting room like some sort of civilian. She is an FBI agent. She should be doing something. "I need to catch the bastard that did this!" she bursts out. Emily takes a step back, and out of the corner of her eye she sees Hotch and Derek look around. "How can you think of eating at a time like this?"

Emily's expression does not change, even when JJ snatches the go bag out of her hands. It feels good to have someone to be mad at, especially someone who seems as unflappable as this woman. She turns to her team, spread around the waiting room, looking back at her. "We should be doing something," she implores them.

It is Derek who approaches her, she can tell by the set of his jaw that he agrees with much of what she's just said, that he empathizes with her at least.

"I know," he says lowly, glancing at Emily. "I know, JJ. And we're going to do something, okay? We're gonna catch the scum that did this. But right now, we have to wait and see what the doctor has to say. We have to know...we have to know what we're dealing with here."

She is sure he was going to say that they had to wait and see if they were investigating a homicide or an assault. The thought makes a sour taste spring to the back of her throat. She looks away from him.

"JJ," Emily tries again.

"Shut up," she says. "I'm not hungry."

Hotch and Reid have come up to the rest of them, and Hotch holds his hand up to forestall Emily's next statement.

"We hear what the doctor has to say," he pronounces, "and then we act accordingly. If that means an hour of rest and a cup of ramen noodles in the car-" he raises his voice over JJ's protests, "then that's what you will do. Clear?"

JJ nods bitterly.

Emily turns away.

…

… _..._

 _She almost breaks Penelope's door down in her haste to get through it. The text the technical analyst had sent is making neon spots of panic bubble and pop in her peripheral vision. She bursts into the room, breathing hard._

" _Pen?" she cries. "Penelope? I got your text! What's wrong, what-" But she is momentarily speechless when she sees Penelope spin in her seat to face her, cheeks wet with tears._

" _Pen?"_

" _She's gone," Penelope says between breaths meant to stave off tears. "She's gone, JJ."_

" _Who?" JJ's momentary relief at seeing her best friend whole and breathing in front of her begins to disappear. "Penelope, who?" she asks again._

" _Elle," Garcia manages. "She turned in her badge and gun last night. She looks up at JJ, eyes welling again. "I can't believe it."_

" _Oh," JJ slumps into the seat by the desk, relief making her legs weak. "Oh," she says again, "is that all?" She looks down at the cell phone clutched in her hand. "Garcia, this text is terrifying. I thought you were dead!"_

 _Penelope stares at her. "What?"_

 _JJ waves the phone a little, her waning adrenaline slipping quickly into anger. "'I can't believe this. I think I'm going to die?' How could you send me something like that! I thought you were…I thought…" she trails off, looking away as understanding dawns on Garcia's face._

" _Ohmigod!" she sputters. "Oh, JJ. No! I, Oh shit! I wasn't thinking."_

 _JJ shakes her head. Penelope is the only person on her team who knows about her sister. She's thinking now that maybe that was a mistake._

" _JJ, I'm sorry," Penelope tries again. "I wasn't thinking. I just…I can't believe Elle's gone. I can't believe that Hotch just let her walk out."_

 _JJ puts her elbows on the desk. "She shot him, Pen," she says. "Even if Hotch couldn't prove it…she knew he knew. And she wasn't about to let him hold that over her."_

 _Penelope gives her a look she can't place. "Are you okay?"_

" _Yes?" It comes out as a question. "Elle was a good agent, but we weren't very close," she says, and when this only seems to deepen Penelope's confusion, she raises her eyebrows. "What?" she asks._

 _Penelope hesitates, clearly trying to find a way out of not answering. "Nothing…I just thought…I thought you were closer."_

" _With Elle?"_

" _Yeah," Penelope won't meet her eyes. "I thought you guys were, I mean, I just thought…"_

" _Spit it out, Pen!" JJ says, torn between amusement and irritation._

" _I thought you were sleeping with her!" Penelope says quickly._

 _JJ stares._

…

… _..._

Someone's hands are on hers around the gun. Cool, soft hands, pressing downwards.

"Jennifer, put the gun down. Give me the gun. He's dead, JJ. He's dead."

The world is a tunnel. She can't see anything except Battle, on the floor, bleeding into the carpet. EMTs are rushing forward and JJ wants to scream at them to back up. To let him die.

"I-" she says, and her voice comes out hoarse, faded. "He was…"

"Going to kill people," Emily says, and JJ turns her head slowly to look at the woman beside her.

"Emily?"

"We saw it on the monitors. I think Morgan broke the sound barrier," She says, an answer without JJ having to ask. "It's over," she says. "It's done with now, Jen." Her hands haven't left JJ's, though she realizes that she's no longer holding the gun.

When she looks back into the bullpen, she sees that someone has put a sheet over Battle's body.

"He's dead," she says.

"He's dead," Emily agrees, and her hands squeeze JJ's, just slightly, and then one hand travels up her arm to her shoulder and holds on there. "It's over," she says again. "Jennifer, look at me." She does, turning her head to blink into dark brown eyes.

"He's dead," she murmurs.

Emily's hand contracts on JJ's shoulder. "Listen," she says softly. "Jen, listen to me. IAB is going to ask for your statement soon. They'll need it, even though everything was recorded on the monitors. Penelope's here, she came with us. Do you want me to go get her? She can be with you while you-"

"No," JJ looks up into Emily's face. "No. Will-will you? Will you stay?" She doesn't know what makes her ask it, only that the hand in hers makes her feel less like throwing up.

Emily's expression registers shock, goes soft for the space of a second, and then slips back into detached kindness. "Of course," she says gently. "Of course I will."

Penelope does find her, though, eventually. JJ comes back to the scene after her statement, drawn there by some need that she can't explain. Emily shadows her, discreet and protective, but when Penelope approaches them, she makes an excuse and moves away. JJ smiles at Penelope, hoping that it looks genuine.

"Hey."

"Hey."

Penelope is tentative. She's still pale and the day's events can't have helped matters. She tears up a little as she speaks again. "I never wanted you to have to do something like that."

JJ shakes her head. "I never even blinked," she says. And when Penelope looks like she's about to start crying in earnest, she holds out her arms. "You do whatever it takes to protect your family."

The hug that follows this is solely for her best friend's comfort, JJ cannot deny that she finds no solace in it. She blinks at the bullpen over Penelope's back, and the glass of the entryway seems to shatter again on the backs of her eyelids. When she pulls away from the embrace, she wipes the corners of her eyes, and Penelope grips her arm.

"Do you want to come over?" she asks softly. "I was going to go out with Morgan, but-"

JJ shakes her head. "No," she says, forcing a chuckle at Garcia's skeptical face. "No really, Pen. Thank you but…I think I'm just going to head home."

She repeats this line several times. Again to Penelope, and then to Hotch and Rossi. Once more to Morgan. She looks around for Emily, but the other woman seems to have disappeared. JJ pushes aside the twinge of…something, and heads to the parking garage.

In her car, she puts the key in the ignition and cannot turn it.

The profile said he was dangerous, she tells herself. He wasn't going to stop. He was going to keep going until he'd found her. Until she died. You were capable of stopping him, and you did.

JJ sighs, leaning her head back against the headrest.

"He wasn't going to stop," she says to herself.

The knock on the window startles her. She lifts her head and looks out the window of her car to see Emily standing there. She presses the button to roll down the window before remembering that the car is off.

"One sec," she says, a little louder than she probably has to, and she turns the ignition. The car hums to life, and the window slides down with a little whoosh. "Emily?"

Emily is studying JJ's face, and she doesn't respond immediately. It makes JJ uncomfortable, to have such undiluted attention focused on her, especially after today. "Emily?" she asks again, raising her voice.

Emily blinks. "Would you like to come over?" she asks, and though her face has remained neutral, JJ does not think she is imagining the tremor in the brunette's voice. Nerves? Worry?

"Um…"

"It can be a lot to handle," Emily says, speaking a bit faster than normal. "What just happened is a lot to handle. I don't want to intrude on your process, Jennifer, but I would be lying if I said I was comfortable with the idea of you being alone right now."

She is careful with her words. JJ can see her choosing each one deliberately. She sees Emily make a conscious decision to call her Jennifer, to show her that this moment is not one that she is taking lightly.

"You're inviting me over?" JJ clarifies.

Emily nods. "Not socially," she says.

"For what then?"

For a moment, Emily is lost for words. She lets out a short, sharp breath and glances upwards, at the ceiling of the parking garage. "For comfort," she says finally. "If you think that's something I can offer you. I am happy to do it."

JJ rolls up her window. She turns the ignition off in her car and climbs out of the driver's seat, locking it behind her. It is only when she turns to Emily and sees her expression that she realizes her non answer was originally misinterpreted.

"I thought you could bring me back," she says. "I thought we could drive together. Save-"

But Emily smiles, and points over JJ's shoulder.

"My car is just over there."

…

So she finds herself in Emily's apartment for the second time in five days.

She collapses onto the couch, listening to Emily rummage around in the kitchen. She lifts her head so she can see the brunette at the stove, back to the living room.

"I know you're not hungry, but I'm going to make you something to drink, alright?"

"I shot him," she says dully. She is still having trouble getting the picture out of her head. The looks on Hotch and Rossi's faces when they'd realized who fired.

Emily stills for a moment at the counter. "You did what you had to do," she says.

JJ shakes her head. "Did I?"

"Yes," Emily says, and her tone suggests that this should be obvious. "Penelope was in danger. You protected her. What choice did you have?"

JJ raises her eyes to the ceiling, fighting a rising tide of nausea. She shivers. "Have you ever shot someone?" she doesn't mean to ask the question, but it's the only thing she can think of to take her mind off of the events of the day. She focuses on Emily.

The brunette barely hesitates. "Yes," she answers, still not turning around.

"More than one?" JJ asks, though she already knows the answer.

"Yes," Emily says. "There is an afghan on the back of that chair, there," she indicates over her shoulder, and JJ looks around, wondering how she gave herself away. She stands up and grabs the blanket, wrapping it around herself and sinking back into the cushions of the couch with a heavy sigh.

"Oh, my God," she says, shutting her eyes. "Is everything you own a million thread count or what?" She hears Emily chuckle, and then there is silence.

For a couple minutes, JJ just stares at nothing, letting the warmth of the blanket envelop her. The sound of Emily nearby is oddly comforting. It is nice to be near someone who does not seem to want anything from her. It makes it easier to speak.

"Do you still think about them? The people you shot? Do you…" but she is cut short when Emily appears in front of her. She sits up and the other woman pushes a mug of something steaming into her hands.

"Drink this."

JJ looks down at the mug, skeptical. "What is it?"

Emily's mouth barely hints at a smile. "It will help," she says. "Drink it."

JJ puts the mug to her lips and takes a tentative swig. It is warm and filling and tastes like lemon and cinnamon and home. She stares at Emily, who really does smile now.

"How did you-"

"Italy has many secrets," she says with a chuckle, and she straightens and heads back to the kitchen without another word.

JJ drinks long and deep. "How do you, I mean, how did you know what I needed help with? How did you know this would help?"

Emily turns, and looks over her shoulder at JJ. She doesn't answer, just looks for longer than is necessary. Then she smiles, a crooked half smile that JJ has come to recognize, even anticipate. "Drink the whole thing," she says, and JJ lifts the mug, obeying.

"Emily," she asks after a moment. "Can…Is it okay if-"

Emily cuts her off. It's as though she has a preternatural sense of JJ's wishes before she voices them. "You're welcome here as long as you like, Jen," she calls, already back in the kitchen.

JJ snuggles back against the couch. It takes her a moment to place the emotion when it comes, but when she does, it makes her eyes snap open.

She is happy to be there.

…...

 _The dogs are relentless. They chase her. She is not alone. Beside her Penelope runs, on her other side, her sister. They scramble up embankments, wade through shallow streams. The dogs pursue._

" _Jenny," Ros says, breathless, eyes wide, "take Pen and go that way. I'll try to pull them after me."_

 _Horror rises inside JJ. "No!" she says. "We'll get eaten if we split up." She reaches out to take Ros' hand, but she's not there. She's already running in a different direction. The dogs are already falling in behind her, howling their conquest to the night sky._

" _No!" JJ goes to follow her sister, but Penelope catches up her hand._

" _JJ, we have to go this way!" She implores. "We have to!"_

" _My sister," JJ cries. "Ros!" she tries to tear her hand out of Penelope's but the other woman holds tight._

" _No!" She yells, pulling JJ in the opposite direction. "We promised each other. Together to the last." She tugs on JJ's hand again. "JJ, come ON!"_

 _And JJ turns, obeying at last._

 _Behind her, Rosalyn screams._

…...

"Emily?" JJ knocks on the door softly, not wanting to disturb her host if she is sleeping. And she _should_ be sleeping, it is nearly four in the morning.

But the answer comes clearly and immediately. "Come in, JJ." Emily does not even bother to sound as though she was sleeping. JJ pushes open the door to the bedroom and stands on the threshold, feeling unaccountably nervous. As her eyes adjust to the darkness, she sees that Emily is sitting cross-legged in an armchair by the window.

It occurs to JJ that she'd been foolish to think that Emily would be in her bed. She was barely in bed during the time they shared a hotel room.

"JJ?" Emily has been saying her name.

"Hmm?"

"I asked if you were okay. You had a nightmare." She does not phrase this as a question, and so somehow it is easier for JJ to admit it.

"It woke me up," she says lamely.

"I heard," Emily says, and she is not apologetic. "Do you need anything?"

"I'm…I just needed-" to know that someone else was here. The words catch in her throat, but Emily tilts her head as though she can hear them.

"You can come in the room," she says gently. "If you'd like to."

JJ takes a step over the threshold, and then another. The carpet under her feet is soft and plush. JJ wonders again at the softness of Emily's house. At the way it seems to both contradict and complement the rough edges of its owner. For a moment, she just looks at the shadowed figure of her colleague in the light from the window. She is unsure what she's supposed to do now. Emily's invitation into her room had not come with any further instructions.

The brunette seems to realize that JJ is stuck, because she says in the same gentle voice. "Do you want to talk about it?"

JJ fidgits. "About what?"

"Your dream," Emily suggests. "Anything, really."

"I don't want to put you out," JJ says, knowing that this is just a set up. Waiting for Emily to invite her closer.

"Jen, come over here," Emily says dutifully. "Take the bed," she says, when JJ hesitates by the footboard. "I haven't been in it yet."

JJ does as she's instructed. "It wouldn't bother me if you had," she says without thinking.

Emily averts her eyes until she's under the covers.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

JJ sighs. "The dream?"

"Yes."

"It's the same as always," JJ says with a sigh. "Or the same variation."

"Mmm," Emily says, neither encouragement nor deterrence.

"Penelope and I are like sisters," she says. "We…I love her like she's…we made a pact."

"I understand," Emily says.

JJ pulls the covers up under her chin. "Are you going to get in?" she asks, and when Emily doesn't answer right away, JJ shuffles over to make her point.

Emily stares at her hands, folded in her lap for a long time.

"Not just yet," she says quietly. "Close your eyes, JJ."

"Sometimes it's just nice to have someone there, you know?" JJ can feel herself slurring, eyes falling shut of their own accord.

She thinks she can hear a smile in Emily's voice when she answers.

"I do."

…

The dream comes again, even in Emily's bed. Even surrounded by some of the softest pillows she's ever had in her life, even with another body nearby, the dreams come again and swallow her up.

She wakes up with a scream. Not words, just an incoherent noise that signifies pain. For a moment, there is just her heartbeat in her ears and the white hot lights of panic behind her eyes, blinding her.

 _I'm going to touch you, Jen. I'm going to put my hand on your arm right now. JJ, look at me. Look at me._ Jennifer, look at me!"

JJ blinks, and Emily's face swims into view, inches from her own, brow furrowed in concern.

"The dogs!" JJ gasps. "The dogs! They got Ros. They…Penelope!"

"No," Emily says firmly, and through the haze of her nightmare, JJ feels the pressure on her arm increase. "Penelope's fine," Emily's voice does not hold room for deception. "You saved her life."

Penelope is safe. Penelope is safe.

"The dogs!" JJ says, heart slower. "They got Ros."

Emily catches her breath. She puts her other hand against JJ's cheek, carefully, like she's not sure it's the right thing to do.

"They did," she whispers. "I'm so sorry."

And JJ tugs at Emily's arm, pulling her out of her chair. "Please," she says when she's met with resistance. "I don't want to be…" she trails off, truncating the cliché before its end. "You've been so nice to me."

Emily allows herself to be pulled into the bed. She arranges herself on her back and lets JJ settle in beside her. Their arms graze each other.

"Em," she breathes.

"I'm here," Emily says. Her voice is kind. Empty. "It's okay."

"It wasn't your fault." JJ says it into the darkness, and for a moment Emily doesn't respond. She doesn't even breathe. The silence is so complete that it's like a weight on JJ's chest.

Then, almost too soft to hear.

"Again," Emily whispers.

JJ finds Emily's hand. She holds it tight.

"It wasn't your fault."


	8. Chapter 8

" _Sleeping with Elle?" JJ stares incredulously at Penelope. "_ _Sleeping_ _with her?"_

" _Hey, Jayje, if your voice gets any higher, only dogs will be able to hear it."_

" _Does everyone think that? Does everyone think I'm sleeping with Elle?"_

 _Penelope looks at JJ with a mixture of confusion and amusement. "I don't know," she says. "Hotch definitely doesn't, or he would have said something about fraternization."_

 _JJ puts her hand against her forehead, like she's checking for a fever. "Oh, my God."_

 _Garcia looks perplexed. "I don't see why this is a big deal. I mean…you're_ _not_ _sleeping with her. Right?"_

" _I'm not gay!" JJ yells. "Do people think I'm gay?"_

" _I'm not even sure how to respond to that," Penelope says pointedly. "What's the big deal?"_

" _The big deal is you thought I would sleep with a woman."_

 _Garcia laughs. "What, you wouldn't?"_

 _This brings JJ up short. "I…no. Would you?"_

" _Hell yeah! Women are sexy."_

 _JJ stares at her. "But. I mean…you're always talking about Derek like-"_

" _Sugarplum," Penelope says practically. "You are talking as though one excludes the other."_

 _JJ does not have any response to this._

…

…

"Hey, JJ, wait up!" Morgan calls after her as they head towards the parking garage from the jet, and JJ slows down so that he can catch up.

She smiles tiredly at him, thinking he wants to talk about the case. "That one was a doozy, huh?" she asks, shifting her go bag to the opposite shoulder. "It's never easy when it's grey like that."

Morgan looks confused, like she's caught him off guard. "What?" he asks.

"Johnny McHale," JJ says, frowning at him. "I was just saying that it sucks, when someone so promising goes off like that."

"Oh," Morgan shakes his head, still distracted. "Yeah. It's a shame."

JJ's frown deepens. "Okay," she says, "what's up? If it's not about the case…"

Morgan throws a glance over his shoulder, gauging where the rest of the team is, and then slows down even more. JJ does too, her curiosity mounting.

"Jeeze, Morgan, is it that bad? Have I been trailing toilet paper around on my shoe all flight?"

Morgan doesn't crack a smile. "What are you doing with Emily?" he asks without preamble, and his voice is low and definitely accusatory.

"W-what?" JJ stammers. "What are you…I don't…what?" She is aware that her inability to form a coherent sentence makes her sound guilty, but she cannot for the life of her figure out what the charge is. "I'm not doing anything with Emily."

Morgan looks at her hard. "You're taking advantage of her. And it might be inadvertent, but that doesn't mean it isn't true."

JJ says what she is feeling in that immediate moment, which is, "What the fuck?"

Morgan doesn't flinch, which makes her think he must have anticipated her reaction.

She hates profilers.

Morgan sighs. "Look, JJ…I know that your sister is off limits,"

She is immediately irritated. "And yet you're bringing her up," she retorts.

He ignores the sarcasm. "Emily lost her too, JJ. I don't know all the details of the story, but I at least know that much." He holds up his hand as JJ starts to protest, speaking over her. "You might be the only one who lost a sister, but Emily has to look at you every day and see Rosalyn. What do you think that makes her feel? Don't you see she's scared of losing you too?"

This brings JJ up short for the space of a second, but then she pushes the uncomfortable feeling aside. That is not what's going on. Emily is her friend. The two of them are past all that.

Morgan steps closer. "She doesn't have to talk to me about it for me to know that she has guilt," he says lowly.

"I don't know where you're going with this," JJ says stubbornly. This is sort of a lie, but she's going to make him say it.

"She's taking care of you," Morgan says bluntly. "And you're letting her."

JJ stares at him. "What?"

"She's taking care of you," he repeats. "She's looking out for you."

JJ clenches her jaw. "We're a team," she says tightly. "We take care of each other."

Morgan shakes his head. "That's not what I mean, and you know it." He looks unsurprised by her reaction, and this makes her angry and uncomfortable. She wonders how long he's been planning to speak to her. She wonders if he's talked to others about it.

"Look, Derek-"

"She worries about you. She's…she's committed herself to supporting you, no matter what the cost to her might be."

" _Cost_?" JJ sputters.

"Yes, JJ, the _cost_. Can you not see how you're using her?"

" _Using!?"_ She is aware that all she's doing is repeating his words, but her level of indignation will not let her do anything else. "Using her…Derek, are you serious?"

"Yes," He says firmly. "Last week, we got home, what did you and Garcia do?"

JJ shrugs her shoulders. "We went out," she says.

"And then?"

"Then we went back to my place."

"You had a girl's night."

"So?"

Morgan raises his eyebrows, and suddenly JJ sees the trap he's laid for her. "You didn't invite-" he begins, just as JJ says, "she already had _plans_!"

"Oh, _bullshit_ , JJ," Morgan says, and for the first time he seems really angry. "That's bullshit. You spent the majority of the Jet ride home letting her comfort you. I watched her turn down a chess game with Reid and ignore three incoming messages on her phone in order to devote all of her attention to you, because you were having trouble processing the case. And then you step off the plane and head off with Penelope without as much as a glance over your shoulder."

This is the truth. JJ doesn't bother to deny it. But because there is still a grain of defiance inside her, she cannot keep quiet. "This isn't your business," she says.

Morgan scoffs. "Emily is my friend. You're my friend too, JJ. And this team is my family. That's three reasons it's my business."

JJ is about to answer, even though she's unsure of the words that will come out of her mouth, when from behind them, Emily's voice calls out.

"Hey," they both turn to watch the brunette striding towards them. Her face is neutral, easy, but JJ doesn't think she's imagining the edge that lies just beneath the surface.

"You guys have some pretty angry body language going on here." Still with the easy, almost teasing tone, though her dark eyes first appraise JJ and then settle on Derek.

Morgan grins at her. "Don't you profile me," he says. The edge to Emily's expression softens a degree.

JJ notices that she stands between them, lazily, like that's where she ended up…but is that true?

"Morgan," Emily says. "Beer? It's still early, and that was a shitty case."

"Yeah," Morgan agrees. "JJ and I were just saying." He glances at JJ but she can't read what his expression is. "You buying?"

"Don't I always?" Emily answers.

"Hey," Derek holds his hands up in mock offense. "It's the price you pay for having a wing man who's as gorgeous as me."

Emily scoffs good naturedly. "Spare me," she chuckles, turning to JJ. "You okay?"

JJ can only nod.

Emily frowns slightly. "Do you want to come with us?"

"No," JJ says, probably too quickly. Was that a flash of hurt that flickered across Emily's face? "Thank you," she says, like an afterthought. "I'm just beat."

Emily is frowning fully now. "JJ," she says, lower than before. "There's nothing we could have done to help Johnny. You know that, right?"

JJ smiles, and she knows it's genuine by the way Emily's eyebrows un-crease. "Yes," she says. "I know. I'm just tired, Em. I'll text you later, okay?"

And Emily steps back, looking mollified. "I'll count on it," she says, before turning away.

Derek meets JJ's eyes for a brief second before turning after her. She hears their conversation drifting back to her across the tarmac.

"Princess," Derek is saying. "What's the most expensive kind of whiskey they carry at The Fuze Box?"

Emily's laugh is deep and velvety.

…

….

Emily arrives at JJ's house three days later, exactly on time. JJ congratulates herself on predicting this. She'd told Emily to arrive 30 minutes after Penelope, and the technical analyst is already comfortably ensconced on the couch in the living room when JJ opens the door. Emily stands there, holding a bottle of wine and looking…

"You look nervous," JJ says, caught off guard.

Emily blinks. Then she laughs. "I suppose I am," she responds, holding out the wine. "I've never been invited to a girl's night. I'm not sure I know what they entail."

JJ beckons Emily across the threshold. "Never?" she asks. "What, there were no other women working with you at Interpol?"

JJ turns in time to see Emily swallow her first answer. "Not ones that wanted to get together for any sort of social gathering," she answers, following JJ along the hallway towards the kitchen and living room. She pauses, in the hall to study the pictures hanging on the wall, and JJ wonders, too late, if she should have taken some of them down.

"Is that my Emily?" Penelope's voice rings happily out into the hall, and Emily's attention is diverted. She follows JJ into the living room, her eyes scanning everything.

"Ooh," Penelope says, catching sight of the bottle of wine in Emily's hands. "Don't even bother bringing that to the kitchen, my love."

Emily chuckles, moving to sit down on the couch too. "You have an opener?"

JJ sits in an armchair, tucking a foot underneath herself, as Garcia produces a corkscrew out of nowhere. "You've never known me to be unprepared have you?"

Emily's laugh this time is more genuine. "No, I have not. Where did you have that hiding?"

Garcia winks. "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to," she says cheekily.

JJ rolls her eyes.

"JJ, you have a really nice house," Emily says, accepting a glass of wine from Penelope. She is looking around the living room, taking everything in, and JJ has the distinct feeling that she is being profiled.

"It's nothing compared to yours," she says, deflecting.

But Emily makes a disgruntled gesture, like JJ's statement is an obvious lie. "An apartment," she says. "Just things. This is a real house. It feels…" but she trails off, pinking slightly and takes a long sip of her wine.

JJ laughs, turning to Penelope. "Emily is being modest. She lives in a condo over near the Hill? It's freaking gorgeous."

Emily smiles. "Just things," she says again.

"Well our next girls' night is there," Penelope says casually, and Emily takes another big sip of wine, eyes large over the rim of the glass.

"Okay," she says finally, glancing at JJ. "Yeah…that would be great."

JJ nods. "We usually rotate," she explains. "But Pen is…picky about her place."

Penelope leans forward seriously. "A woman's bat cave is nothing to joke around about, JJ."

Emily laughs, and JJ is surprised to find herself hoping, as she has done with countless girls' nights in the past, that nothing will interrupt them.

As with countless girls' nights of the past, she does not get her wish.

…

This time, when they stagger two by two into their motel rooms, JJ is glad that Emily is there, pulling the door shut behind them. This is Fredericksburg, VA, under twenty five miles from their homebase, but no one wants to be that far away if new information arises.

JJ can't stop thinking about the missing women. She closes her eyes and body parts float on the back of her eyelids.

They change and climb into the double beds without speaking, but when Emily reaches to turn out the light between the bed, JJ stops her.

"Can we just…leave it on a little longer?" she hates sounding like she might be begging.

Mercifully, Emily simply drops her hand and falls back against the pillows. She looks bone tired. She looks…like she is not happy at all to be sharing a room with JJ.

"Emily?"

"Hmm?" Yes, JJ thinks, she sounds distinctly unhappy.

"Are you…are you okay?"

There is a slight pause in which JJ feels her heart speed up a little.

"Difficult today," comes the short answer.

"We'll get him," JJ says, and when Emily doesn't answer, she can't help but ask. "Won't we?"

"Yes," Emily says. "We'll get him."

JJ closes her eyes and focuses on her breathing. The best way she can honor the lives lost and work to find those missing is by being as well rested as possible. Across from her, Emily's steady, deep breathing is more comforting than she would have imagined, and she is not aware that she has fallen asleep until the nightmare throws her upright with a strangled whimper. The light between the beds is still on, and JJ immediately sees that Emily is not in it.

For ten seconds, JJ allows the icy grip of fear to be her master, but then a sound from the bathroom jolts her into action, and her training kicks in.

 _I can fight_. She tells herself, as she creeps towards the door. She takes a deep breath, and peers around the frame.

It's only Emily. JJ exhales loudly, but the brunette doesn't move. JJ knocks softly and the door swings open a little bit more. Yes, Emily is there, hands braced on either side of the sink, head bent like she's about to be sick.

The terror of the dream threatens to envelop JJ again. "Em?" her voice is too high and babyish in the darkness.

Emily's head snaps around. "JJ? I thought you were asleep." She's been crying, JJ is almost sure of it.

"I…" she falters. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Has she been crying? It is impossible to tell now. "I was brushing my teeth. What's wrong, Jen? What woke you?"

"Dream," JJ says, feeling tears burn her eyes again. "Those girls today. Seeing those pictures." She reaches out and takes Emily's hand without really thinking about it. "I keep thinking, what if I were them. I keep thinking what if I knew I was going to die, if I knew no one would be in time to-"

"Stop," Emily says fiercely. Her hand in JJ's is tight. She takes a deep breath. "Stop. That's not going to happen to you."

"I close my eyes, and I can see them, I _am_ them…I-" she is breathing too heavily, but she can't make herself stop.

" _Four girls_ missing and no one notices a fucking empty car? No one goes looking? No one _wonders?_ "

" _I'd_ wonder, Jennifer. Slow down your breathing. Deep in, deep out. Hey. I'd go looking. Calm down." She can't. Not even with that cool soothing voice so close to her ear. Not even when Emily takes her other hand, voice just slightly more urgent.

JJ remembers slumping against the counter in the bathroom. She remembers Emily saying, "Jen!"

But she doesn't remember anything after that.

…

…

It is Hotch, and not Emily, who approaches her at the conclusion of the case; Hotch who tells her that it is okay to break down every once in a while.

It is okay to lose it.

She doesn't tell him that she broke down last night, and that, though she has no memory of it, Emily got her back into bed, tucking the sheets around her gently while she slept. She doesn't say that when she woke, bleary eyed and half hungover, Emily was already awake and dressed.

She'd handed JJ two Tylenol and told her she had twenty minutes before they'd had to be down in the lobby.

She'd taken a long shower, and when she'd emerged, feeling refreshed and almost like herself, she'd tried to ask Emily about the night before.

Emily had ushered her out the door with a light touch to the middle of her shoulders. "Forget it." She'd said lightly. "This one is heavy."

"I'm sorry, If I was inappropriate or-"

"You weren't," a little firmer now. "Forget it, JJ." A brief but radient smile. "Let's get the bastard, okay? Today."

JJ wants Emily now, wants _that_ kind of comfort.

She does not say this to Hotch. She nods, and lets him get a couple paces ahead of her before turning and heading in the direction of their motel.

She just wants to see Emily.

But Derek beats JJ back to the hotel at the end of the day, and when she finishes packing her go bag and enters the sitting area off the lobby, she finds him sitting on a couch next to Emily, speaking quietly to her.

JJ hesitates for a split second, before opting to take the seat opposite Spencer, who looks both pleased and surprised by her presence.

"Hotch is finishing up," he says. "Pulling out in ten."

She smiles at him, and cracks a file, pretending to read while straining her ears to hear what her colleague is saying.

"…make sure you were okay," Derek murmurs. JJ chances a glance at Emily, who looks as composed as ever.

"Fine," Emily says without heat.

"You sure? Hearing shit like we heard the last couple days is never easy."

JJ wonders what he means. Is he talking about the case? She realizes she hasn't asked Emily about her role in the case's closure. She'd been too busy mourning the girls they were too late to save. Too busy reliving the horror of pulling the remaining girls out of that underground hole.

What had Emily been doing, while she was wrapping a towel around the shivering shoulders of Charlie Wilkinson's latest victim?

"I keep thinking," Emily's voice drops out of range, and then bubbles back up, ending in, "monsters will always produce… _monsters_."

When JJ chances a glance again, she sees that Morgan has a hand on Emily's shoulder. "No," he says simply. "No."

The gesture, and the idea that they are sharing something that she knows nothing about make her feel inordinately jealous. She ruffles her file for something to do. Reid looks up from his book as Rossi enters. JJ sees him eye Morgan and Emily before speaking.

"We're heading out."

They stand as a group, and as they exit the little motel and walk towards their fleet of SUVs, JJ's hope of sitting with Emily for the ride home are flattened, as Morgan leads her deliberately in the direction of the car he will be piloting.

"Have you ever met the Ambassador?" Rossi has come level to JJ, and he asks the question mildly as they head after the others toward the cars.

"Ambassador Prentiss?" JJ asks, surprised.

Rossi nods.

"No, I haven't…why?"

He doesn't answer her directly, just makes a noncommittal gesture with his hands. "She's a formidable woman," he says, starting after Emily and Morgan.

"I find it hard to see how anyone, even the most talented of people, could ever rise to meet all of her expectations."

He doesn't give her a chance to answer, but jogs the last few paces to the SUV and gets in, leaving JJ to turn and get in the SUV with Reid and Hotch. She listens to Reid with half an ear on the drive home, her mind churning.

They are five minutes outside of Quantico when JJ finally pulls out her cell phone, unable to hold off any longer.

 _Hey, Emily._ She types. _Want to hang out tonight?_

She taps the phone nervously against her leg until it buzzes, and then she lifts it to her face, hoping that Emily has declined the offer, and also praying she's accepted.

Her prayers are answered.

 **Sure Jen. Your place or mine?**

…

….

 _ **This chapter covers 3x10 True Night and 3x11 Birthrite. I would watch 3x11 if for no other reason than for Paget Brewster's facial expressions. Her acting is so good in this episode I don't even know what to do with myself.**_

 _ **happy reading!**_

 _ **tc**_


	9. Chapter 9

Emily dreams.

She doesn't mean to drift off, and she certainly doesn't mean to fall into a deep sleep, but suddenly she is sitting on the couch with Rosalyn and nothing has ever felt as natural as this.

"It's been awhile since you showed up, Ros," she says quietly.

Rosalyn's smile is wide. _I like this place better than the one you had in London._

"I'm dreaming."

 _Nah. We're just having a talk._

Emily leans back into the cushions of her couch, but she doesn't blink. She doesn't take her eyes off the girl sitting across from her.

 _Remember that picnic we took together? Remember the tent we put up?_

Emily smiles. "Put up?" she teases. "It was one of those pop up tents. It pretty much exploded out of the bag."

 _You stole your mother's champagne. You said she'd punish you so bad when she found out. But you did it for me, anyway. To cheer me up._

Emily stops smiling abruptly. "You were dead a month later, Rosie. I think that was punishment enough."

Rosalyn leans closer. She smells like the summer. "You painted my toenails."

 _Green, do you remember?_

"I don't think I'll ever forget."

 _Do you still love me, Emily?_

Emily looks down into her lap. A mistake, she doesn't recognize until it's too late. "Of course I do," she whispers. "Why do you think you're here?"

…

Emily opens her eyes. She's alone, asleep on top of the covers of her bed. She sighs, rolling over onto her back and looking up at the ceiling. In London she'd had a skylight and the nights had not seemed so long when she could lie on her back and look at the stars.

Suddenly, she remembers the previous evening. She remembers and she leaps to her feet, heart pounding loudly enough that all other noises are extinguished.

She descends the stairs from her bedroom quickly, almost unsteadily, thinking _please, please, please!_

And there she is.

JJ, fast asleep on the couch, the blanket that Emily had draped over her shoulders still tucked around her, their empty wine glasses still sitting on the coffee table.

For a moment, Emily just looks at JJ sleeping there, her chest rising and falling slowly, arm dropped low enough off the couch that her fingers brush the rug.

She'd invited herself over, a first. She hadn't wanted to go home either.

Emily walks carefully to the coffee table and picks up a wine glass in each hand, smiling to herself.

A therapist had once told her that a person's first, real love changed the very makeup of one's personality. He told her that if her love for Rosalyn was _real_ love, then her death would be a scar that she would never be able to rid herself of. The best she could hope for was to work with it, to use it as a baseline for moving forward.

She wasn't sure she agreed with him on this theory, but in the six months she saw him, he did manage to teach her a great deal about working with pain.

He taught her, probably inadvertently, that a person's greatest weakness and a person's greatest strength could be the same thing. He taught her that if she could learn to control this thing, this pain, better than anyone else around her...then she could always be the one in control.

…

Emily is shaken from her thoughts by the sound of buzzing, and she looks down to see JJ's blackberry scooting along the table. She flips it over, face up, thinking it might be Hotch or Rossi, and is surprised to see the previews of three text messages, all from the same person.

Will LaMontagne.

Emily frowns. She knows that name. LaMontagne had been a detective they'd worked with on a case in New Orleans. A rape victim whose attackers had been allowed to walk free.

He's a work person, and this is JJ's work phone, but the snippets of text that Emily can read are decidedly not work related.

 _Hey babe, you left me hanging last…_

 _I haven't been able to stop thinking about…._

 _When do you think you'll get a chance to…_

Emily flips the phone back over quickly, and when it buzzes again, she turns away from it, forcing herself not to look. It's JJ's private conversation, and although she knows the other woman's passcode (she'd memorized it without thinking the first time they were roomed together), she wills herself into restraint.

Instead, she leans her elbows on the counter by the sink and tries to pick apart the flurry of emotions those pieces of text elicit.

JJ slept with Louisiana detective William LaMontagne. It is not a big jump to that conclusion. They'd slept together in Louisiana, and then they'd kept in touch.

 _I haven't been able to stop thinking about…_

Emily blinks. She uses the shutter of her eyelids like a light switch, shutting that particular train of thought down. Don't go there. Don't wonder. She needs to focus on her _own_ feelings. The things she can control.

She hadn't liked LaMontagne very much, she knows that much. It wasn't that he was a bad detective, or even that he'd been inappropriate in his advances towards JJ. Now that she thinks about it properly, Emily realizes that her unease had been entirely self-perpetuated. It had been the first case she felt she could really sink her teeth into, the first one where she felt as though she was really part of the team, and he had made her uncomfortable.

People who tried to live up to their parents' expectations always made her uncomfortable.

The phone buzzes for a fifth time, and this time it also emits a shrill little beep. Emily turns in time to see JJ sit bolt upright on the couch, her hair puffed out on one side as though she's put her finger into an electrical socket.

"Zat my phone?" she slurs, slapping her hand blindly against the coffee table. "Is it Hotch?"

Emily hides a smile and picks up JJ's phone, waving it to get her attention. "I don't know," she lies, handing it over and sitting down on the ottoman in front of the couch. "I heard it buzz when I was getting coffee. Do you want a cup?"

JJ glances at her phone and then does a double take. A little smile creeps across her features. "Hmm?" she says distractedly.

Emily doesn't repeat the question. She stands and moves back to the kitchen, pulling down the mug that JJ always uses when she's there. She soothes the sudden burst of irritation with the simultaneous burst of happiness that JJ had awakened on her couch and had not seemed the least bit disoriented. She takes her time pouring the coffee, listening to JJ's short nails against the keys of her blackberry, only turning around when the silence lasts longer than thirty seconds.

"Here," she says to announce her return, holding out the coffee.

JJ sets her phone down on the table and smiles up at her. "Your couch is more comfortable than my bed," she says wistfully. "Honestly, I'm dead to the world when I close my eyes."

Emily sits down on the edge of the armchair. "You also drank almost two thirds of the bottle of wine. That doesn't hurt." She lets the silence rest almost a full beat. "So, was that Hotch?"

"Hmm?" JJ takes a sip of coffee.

"On the phone," Emily prompts. "Do we have to go in?"

"Oh," JJ shakes her head, blushing only slightly. "No. It wasn't him. Just a…Consultation that I forgot to respond to. Getting impatient."

Emily takes a sip of her coffee. "That's not like you," she says quietly, and when JJ looks up at her, startled, she rushes to continue. "I mean to forget something. It's not like you to forget."

JJ surveys her over the rim of her coffee mug. She looks like she wants to say something, perhaps like she's going to tell Emily what William LaMontagne is doing, inundating her work phone with personal texts. But then, she seems to think better of it, and she looks down into her lap.

"I should get going," she says quietly. "I should get out of your hair."

Emily feels her spirits sink, though she is careful to keep her expression as neutral as possible. She has to admit to herself that she is not fully comfortable when she doesn't know where JJ is. "Okay," she says lightly. "But you're not ever in my hair."

Again JJ gives her a look, and Emily is able to read this expression clearly.

 _Can I tell you?_

Emily wants to scream that she can. She wants to tell JJ to stay, tell her that she doesn't care if she's sleeping with the southern detective, even if he is a little sexist. Even if he looked at JJ like she was something he could _win_. She just wants to know. She doesn't care.

Does she?

"Thank you," JJ is saying earnestly, and Emily realizes that they are moving towards the door, JJ with her go bag in hand.

"You have nothing to thank me for," Emily says automatically.

JJ bites her lip briefly. "Yes," she says finally, apparently making an internal decision. "I do. I was really shitty to you, Em, when you first got here and I…I thought I knew what you…I mean, I thought I knew the part that you-"

"JJ, forget it," Emily says firmly. She knows what the other woman wants to hear. She can tell this easy lie, if it means she will be rewarded with a smile. "It's just you and me," she says, pulling her front door open, giving JJ the escape she's too polite to demand. "We're friends. I've got your back."

JJ smiles widely, fully relieved. "Okay," she says, stepping out into the hallway. "Okay. Good. I'll see you Emily."

"Probably sooner than you think," Emily laughs, and JJ crosses her fingers and holds them up as she turns away.

…

…

" _Mother."_

" _Emily, thank you for joining me on such short notice."_

" _You made it sound as though it couldn't wait."_

" _Yes, well, I leave for Kiev in three days, and I only just discovered you moved back to the city."_

" _I sent you news of the transfer."_

" _You sent me news of your transfer to the FBI. You neglected to mention the exact task force you would be working on."_

" _I wasn't aware that was relevant."_

" _Don_ _'t sidestep me, Emily. You did not lie because you find it beneath you, but you certainly omitted the exact details of your new position."_

" _Of what interest would they be to you?"_

" _You know it isn't interest that has forced me to summon you here."_

" _So, you did miss me. Touching."_

" _You will resign. That is the end of it."_

" _Why on earth would I resign? The BAU is one of the top agencies in the bureau. And I'm perfectly qualified-"_

" _This has nothing to do with your qualifications. It has to do with...with your motives."_

" _I'm not sure I understand what you're talking about."_

" _You're being deliberately obstinate. Would you care to tell me why?"_

" _Perhaps I want to hear you say it."_

" _What would that prove?"_

" _For starters, it would prove that you remember her name. Or that if you didn't, that you took a moment and looked it up."_

" _Emily."_

" _Why shouldn't I work for the BAU, mother? I'm good at it."_

" _Not that team. Not Aaron Hotchner's team."_

" _Because…"_

" _Because that woman is a Jareau. When she finds out who you are-"_

" _She already knows."_

" _Excuse me?"_

" _She already knows and - don't ask me why - she's trying to make it work. I'm not about to stop her."_

" _She's...trying…Emily, what exactly do you think you're doing?"_

" _I'm keeping a promise."_

" _Well, let's hope this time you are more successful at keeping the promise you'_ _ve made._ _"_

" _What the hell is that supposed to mean?"_

" _Now who's the one playing dumb?_

" _Mother. This is something I have to do. I…don't' expect you to understand, or to approve-"_

" _I don't. Emily. Is this all that you aspire to be? A woman who wastes her significant talent and limitless potential on making amends to a ghost."_

" _That's not what I-"_

" _You think I don't know the toll that my job took on you as child? You think I was too dense to realize that moving around all the time was difficult for you? You think I simply_ _didn't know_ _how I hurt you, Emily?"_

" _I…suppose, when I thought about it, I thought that you didn't think my needs were as important as yours."_

" _And you still think that? Now that you have choice to do anything in the world and you choose to return, time and time again, to the scene of my greatest failure?"_

" _Your_ _failure."_

" _Yes. My failure. My weakness. I chose to stay in that podunk little town for you. Even though it went against every instinct I had when it came to you. Even though I had to watch you throw yourself at that girl like you were some common simpleton, and not the strong, logical, fully proficient thing I created. Do you have any idea what that was like for me?"_

"… _I have to go."_

" _Emily."_

" _Good-Bye, Mother. Safe travels."_

…

…

They catch a case on Tuesday, and it throws Emily almost immediately. She should have anticipated that they'd catch an Angel of Mercy case sooner or later, it's a standard type of sociopath and serial killer. But studying it is much different than actually hunting the unsub.

Going over and over the scenes of fake suicides in a forensic analysis class is very, very different than going over a _real_ murder staged to _look_ like a suicide, especially when she has to do it with Rosalyn's sister.

"Are you okay?" Emily hears herself asking JJ for the ninth time in three hours.

JJ barely stops herself from rolling her eyes in irritation. "Yes," she says, the same way she's said the past eight times. "I'm fine."

She doesn't ask if Emily is okay, because of course she is. She has been steady and professional through every single case they have had so far. She has let victims sob in her arms without shedding so much as one tear herself.

She has been compassionate and unflappable.

And detached.

But they push into the house of their second victim, and she has been hung from the upstairs railing, her feet dangling hip height off the floor, yards away from her son.

Emily feels bile rising in the back of her throat.

 _Em. You're all I have. Stay with me. Please._

They are not close to anything like a lead that first night. It is the first night on the job that Emily considers breaking the rule about alcohol. She gets thirty six minutes of sleep, and Rosalyn haunts each and every solitary second.

In the morning, as she's applying her make up in the little mirror of the sink, she wishes for the case to be over quickly.

It ends three days later, one more fake suicide, _a murder_ \- Emily must tell herself firmly - and a mother that she does not think she has reached in time to save.

The plane ride home is normal, save JJ, who sits away from Emily, her phone never far from her view.

She loses a game of chess to Reid so quickly that Morgan raises his eyebrows, looking questioningly up into her face.

"There is no refuge from confession but suicide, and suicide is confession," she says to him, though she doubts he understands.

He surprises her by nodding. "Daniel Webster," he says, and turns back to his book.

She watches him a moment longer. Had he known that she would find this to be more comforting than a full conversation, or had it been luck?

She looks around, at the seats, filled with her colleagues…her friends.

"Go again Emily?" Spencer asks her.

She looks across at him, at his hopeful face.

She smiles. "That's why it's called a hustle, baby."

…

…

In the three days that they have off, Emily loses Jennifer Jareau.

She goes home, sleeps a full fourteen hours, and she wakes up on Friday morning, expecting to hear from the other agent within the hour.

No call or text come through.

Well, that is not strictly true. Penelope had texted her several times, asking her if she wanted to go to brunch, and Morgan had texted once, telling her there was something he wanted to show her.

She had ignored both, and sent JJ a text asking if she'd over slept.

And then another asking if she's going to go to Brunch with Penelope.

No answer.

So to keep from worrying, she keeps busy. She goes to brunch with Penelope ("I haven't heard from JJ. She was acting very mysterious on the jet yesterday, huh?"), and she goes to the grocery store.

She cleans the kitchen and the living room. She washes the sheets of her bed and makes it, smoothing the hospital corners with shaking hands.

 _Emmy._

She spins towards the door, towards the sound of her name, already knowing that no one is there, and when this is confirmed, she closes her eyes and breathes deep.

..

" _Corrine-"_

" _No. Don't say my name like that because you think it will change my mind. I'm not changing my mind. I'm going home."_

" _I love you."_

" _Maybe. But it's not enough. Do you hear me? It's not enough, Emily."_

" _Please don't go. I am trying. I am trying so hard, Rinna. You're the first person in…in forever that I really want to make things work with. I don't want to be alone forever. I don't want to shut you out. I don't want to be without you. Corrine. Please don't walk away from me. PLEASE!"_

" _I_ _can't_ _, Emily! Don't you get it? You promised that you would always be there when I needed you. You promised that putting an ocean between me and everything I know wouldn't leave me feeling abandoned and alone. You promised."_

" _I am going to-"_

" _You LIED."_

..

She isn't aware she's pressing the buttons on the phone until someone is pulling it from her hand. "Give that to me," a deep voice says. "C'mon, princess, give me the phone. And the scotch. That's it."

Princess.

There's only one person allowed to call her that without receiving a boot to the testicles. She blinks, and Morgan's crinkled brow blurs in and out of focus.

"I promised," she says, and the wall behind her colleague tilts upwards a bit. She frowns at it. "But it was a lie."

Morgan is looking past her, at the coffee table, and when she looks too, she can make out the glass outlines of several bottles.

What time is it? The sky outside is dark.

How long has she been drinking?

"Long enough for every memory that hurts to show up," she says to Morgan, though right after, she isn't sure he's asked her anything.

"Hey," She can feel his hand on her arm. "Hey, Prentiss. Look at me. It's okay."

When did he get here? Did she call him? And how has he gotten into her house?

"She wouldn't look at her son. She wouldn't even pick him up," Emily says. "She couldn't even look at him."

"Emily. Fucking hell, how are you still standing?"

"I tried to talk to her afterwards. I…I tried, Morgan." The words tumble out of her mouth, no longer under her control. "I tried to talk to her so she would open her eyes, and figure out that she still had one kid with her. She had to take care of her." She licks her lips, trying to get them to go back and fix their mistake. "Him," she says, though it seems like a long time later. "take carrofhim."

Morgan's strong hand comes to rest on her shoulder, holding her upright. "Em," he says, and then he seems to be at a loss.

"I fell asleep," she murmurs, leaning into him, "and then she was gone. I let her go. It's all my fault."

"No," he says firmly. "No. You can't take that on, Prentiss."

Emily makes a gesture with her hands, which she wants to mean: all of this, everything you see, is my fault, but which probably only serves to underscore how drunk she is.

"I fell asleep. I woke up. She doesn't answer. I should've stayed with her. I should have made sure."

"Emily-"

"If I saw Ros swinging there, then she did too. Just for a second. I'm gonna…I almost threw up."

She sinks to the floor, and after a moment, he kneels down to sit next to her. He is still holding onto her phone.

"Jesus, how many times did you call her?" He mumbles.

Call who? Who is there to call? "Everyone dies," she whispers. "I want to forget it all. But it's a promise I have to keep."

She doesn't know how long they sit there, on the hardwood of her living room floor. The patterns of the area rug by her knee are swimming in her vision. They make her nauseated.

Suddenly there is a sound like a gong, two tones that make her head vibrate, and she has jumped up and flinched away from Morgan's hand before she realizes it is the doorbell.

"It's the door," Derek says, over enunciating each word as though she is hard of hearing, and not just supremely wasted. "I'm going to get the door, Emily. Sit down, okay?"

She does what he's asked because there does not seem to be an alternative. The room is spinning madly. It's blurry and…

She's crying. She has been crying for ages, and she is unable to stop.

She hears voices by her front door. Maybe they are angry. Emily grasps at her head, trying to remember the last time she got this drunk.

 _Rome. Seventeen. Too many lights and a fog machine. The pounding of a bass, and the drum beat in her head like thunder as she dances too close against a boy she's not in love with._

No. not that one. Not that memory.

She shakes her head to dispel it and almost falls sideways onto the couch. The alcohol rises to the back of her throat, but she holds herself tight around the crown of her head, and the feeling recedes a bit.

The voices have gotten a little louder now. She can hear Derek's voice, and another, just a little softer.

"…don't care what you were doing! She'd drop everything to be with you if you needed her, JJ!"

 _JJ_.

Suddenly, someone is kneeling in front of her, there is a hand on her face. "Emily." That's Jennifer's voice.

Emily shuts her eyes tight. "I killed her," she says through her tears. "I killed her."

"Jesus," JJ says softly. "Em. No you didn't."

"Jennifer," she murmurs, unsure.

Behind her, she hears Morgan say something, low and unintelligible.

"I got it," JJ says over Emily's head.

"Do you?" Morgan, coming closer. "Jay-"

"I _got_ it, Derek," she snaps.

Emily has a flash of bright blue eyes focusing on her face. A hand tightens on her knee. "I'm sorry, Emily," JJ says quietly. "I'm sorry I didn't pick up…I…Oh, don't cry. Emily, please don't cry."

It is JJ.

It _is._

She cannot help it. She is so relieved. She leans forward and puts her head on JJ's shoulder and she cries and cries.

Until the world goes black.


	10. Chapter 10

_Seeing Emily in just her bra and underwear causes a rush of heat all through JJ's body that is not borne entirely embarrassment. The other woman is long and muscled, and standing like this, almost naked, hair messed up and eyes out of focus, JJ thinks she looks lovely and vulnerable._

 _Then she sways a little, and wraps her arms around herself, rubbing her arms, and JJ remembers the reason she'd disrobed in the first place._

 _"Okay, Em," she says softly, "do you want a tank top?"_

 _Emily blinks at JJ, eyes heavy lidded. "I'm hot," she says. "It's so hot."_

 _JJ rolls her eyes, unable to suppress her smile. "You've mentioned," she replies, turning to Emily's bureau, pulling open the top drawer to check inside for clothes suitable for sleeping._

 _She is lucky. The left side of the drawer is all t-shirts, and the right side an assortment of leggings and shorts._

 _She chuckles as she flips the edges of the shirts to the side, looking at the faded logos and prints. "Five Finger Death Punch...Really, Prentiss?" she raises an eyebrow. "Who knew?"_

 _"Your sister knew," Emily says softly, and it is less of a retort, and more of an offering._

 _JJ turns, and holds out the t-shirt. "Did you get this with Ros?"_

 _Emily steps up to her, and pulls the shirt out of her hands with a clumsiness that is very out of character._

 _"Ros got it for me for Valentine's day," she says. She holds it up to her nose and closes her eyes. "Take care of my sister," she murmurs. "Please take care of her."_

 _JJ bites her lip to keep herself from asking anything about this blurry non sequitur. She takes the shirt back, and then fits it over Emily's arms and head the way she would for a toddler._

 _"Okay," she says again, smiling fondly as Emily reappears. "There you go."_

 _"You are so beautiful, Jennifer," Emily says quietly. Even drunk, her eyes fix JJ with a burning kind of intensity. "I'd want to take care of you no matter what. I just want to be near you. You are kind, and smart, and beautiful."_

 _JJ tries not to let this revelation throw her. "You're drunk," she replies, more to remind herself than Emily. "Maybe let's get you to bed."_

 _And Emily Prentiss' face goes as open and scared as any child JJ has ever rescued._

 _"No," she says. Her voice is small. "I'll lose you."_

 _JJ shakes her head, momentarily unable to speak. "No," she says. "You won't…I...I'm not…" but realization hits her suddenly, and renders her speechless again._

 _Emily is watching her face, and she seems to take JJ's sudden silence for confirmation._

 _"I'm sorry," she says, and her eyes fill with tears again. "I'm sorry. I'm not enough. It's not enough. I know it."_

 _"What?" JJ looks up suddenly, trying to catch up. "No! No, Em...have," she puts her hand tentatively on the side of Emily's face, making the taller woman look at her. "Have you been staying awake when I'm around?" She asks softly. "To make sure I'm okay?"_

 _A tear slides down Emily's cheek._

 _JJ prays that none of this is writing itself into Emily's memory. She knows it would push them apart, and that is the last thing she wants right now. "Oh, Em," she says sadly. "I'm okay."_

 _Emily blinks and a tear gets stuck in her lashes. "You disappeared," she whispers. "I fell asleep, and you disappeared."_

 _JJ swallows several times to get rid of the lump in her throat. "I'm sorry," she says. "I'm so sorry I worried you."_

 _She draws Emily into a hug that lasts for a long time, and JJ finds herself just as unwilling to break it as Emily is._

 _"I'm here now," she says, finally pulling away. "Will you sleep? If I stay with you?"_

 _Emily looks over her shoulder, at the bed, and then back at JJ._

 _"Hold my hand?" she asks._

 _JJ smiles. "Of course."_

 _..._

 _..._

When Emily rounds the corner into her kitchen the next morning, JJ is just turning over the bacon. It is 10:47, and there has not been any sign of life from Emily since she passed out at midnight the previous evening.

JJ turns, smile bright, and is in time to see the fear on the other woman's face. She is in time to see it fall into relief and then be replaced by nothingness.

Bland curiosity.

"What are you doing?" she asks quietly. She folds her arms over her chest and leans casually against the doorway, and JJ has to take a moment to simply be awestruck. If last night had not happened, there is no way she'd be able to see any crack in Emily's facade this morning.

There _aren't_ any cracks.

JJ turns back to the bacon. "I'm making you brunch," she says, hoping her voice sounds light. "How do you feel?"

"Like I drank several fifths of whiskey," Emily says mildly. "Which, judging by the way you're looking at me, seems to be the truth."  
JJ can't begin to fix her face. She doesn't know how Emily has deduced this just from looking at her.

"Was I inappropriate?" Emily asks softly. She sounds apologetic already. Distant. Already.

"No!" JJ says it too quickly, then tries again too eagerly. "No. You were just a little drunk. That's all."

And to her great relief, Emily steps into the kitchen, coming to sit at the counter. The smile on her face is not forced, not exactly, but it is clear Emily has placed the smile there like a barrier between them. A desire to keep things light until she knows exactly what happened between the hours of 9pm and midnight.

"I'm not sure I'll be able to eat that bacon," she says. "My head feels like there's a canon in it."

"You did most of your puking around 11:30," JJ says offhandedly. "So that means it's time for strong coffee and a big breakfast." She looks up to see a frown has clouded Emily's face, and realizes her mistake at once.

"Oh…" she begins, trying to think of something to say that will make this better.

She can think of nothing. Emily does not remember last night, and what's more, she did and said things in front of JJ that she cannot recall. For her, JJ knows, this is the worst case scenario.

"When did you get here?" Emily asks quietly.

JJ bites her lip. "About nine," she replies.

"Last night," Emily phrases it as a statement, and so there can be no question about telling the truth.  
"Yes," JJ says.

Emily's frown deepens, and for a moment it looks like she's going to get up and leave. It seems that she holds herself in place by sheer force of will.

"I promise, you didn't do or say anything that you should be embarrassed about," JJ says softly.

Emily blinks slowly. "I put Ros' t-shirt on," she says after a moment.

JJ doesn't know how to answer this. The brunette had not been wearing the band t-shirt when she entered the kitchen, and JJ had hoped that Emily would assume she'd put it on in the night, after JJ had left her to sleep.

"JJ," Emily prompts.

"Yes," JJ concedes. "You did. But it wasn't inappropriate or-"

"Why did you come here?" Emily cuts her off suddenly. "Did I call you?"

"You…called Derek," JJ says, trying to remember the details of the cover story she and Morgan had agreed on before he left. "And he called me."

Emily studies JJ closely, clearly skeptical.

"You were drunk, Em," JJ says, hoping she sounds exasperated and not panicked. "It's okay to lose control a little bit when you're drunk."

Emily's eyes widen, just the slightest bit at this. "No, it isn't." she says harshly. And then she looks down and takes a deep breath, cutting off whatever the rest of her sentence might have been. She folds her hands on the counter, taking care in the way each of her fingers interlaces with another.

"Emily-" she begins, but Emily shakes her head, and JJ stops speaking. She turns back to the stove instead, flipping off the burners under the eggs and the bacon. She puts together a breakfast plate in silence, fully expecting to be kicked out of the apartment at any minute.

When she turns to set the plate down in front of the other woman, she sees that she has gone as still as humanly possible without ceasing to breathe.

JJ doesn't risk touching Emily, but she sets the plate down in front of her and then slides it forward a little bit.  
"Eat," she says gently. "Please."

And after a long silence (in which JJ worries her lip nervously between her teeth, second guessing everything she's ever said to this woman), Emily nods once, curtly, and picks up the fork.

"You have something too," she says gruffly. "It can't have been an easy night for you, either."

JJ doesn't respond to this backhanded request for information, but she fixes herself a plate and a cup of coffee and sits down across from Emily. There is no sound save the soft clink of silverware for several minutes, though JJ is sure that Emily must be able to hear her heart racing and her brain whirring.

She can't help thinking about one of Emily's first cases, one of her hardest cases.

They'd just begun looking for Spencer, and the guilt of his abduction had settled fully on her shoulders.

She almost shot Emily when the other agent came to check on her in the bathroom, and before she could stop herself, the questions had been tumbling out of her mouth.

 _"How come none of this gets to you?"_

 _"What do you mean?"_

 _"You came off a desk job. Now suddenly you're in the field surrounded by mutilated bodies and…you don't even flinch."_

And Hotch, JJ thinks, Hotch had been there too, confirming her observation.

Her accusation.

And Emily had answered with the only truth she had.

 _"I…I guess I compartmentalize better than most people."_

How overwhelmed she must have felt in that moment, how intimidated; her boss and the woman she's promised to protect, judging her.

She must have thought – she must _continue_ to think – that they assume she is without human feeling. She gives each member of the team the thing they need most in a friend, not because she is desperate to fit in, or because she is intent on cloaking her inability to relate, but because she has never been expected to do anything for herself.

Not since Ros.

What an awful, _lonely_ way to live.

Emily says something that snaps JJ out of her thoughts, but not quickly enough to process the sentence.

"Hmm?"

Emily glances at her, spoon halfway to her mouth. "I said you really know how to cook an egg," she repeats, her mouth tugging upwards in a smirk.

JJ grins at her, and she sees the moment when Emily's expression becomes genuine, sees it soften around the edges and melt into a real smile.

Somehow, the night has given her some kind of secret code.

She can read Emily Prentiss.  
 _..._

 _..._

 _Things that JJ did not know about her colleague and friend, Emily Prentiss:_

 _1\. Emily has two tattoos that are not visible when she is fully clothed. The first is high on her ribcage, just underneath her right breast, and though JJ thinks at first that it is some kind of Celtic design, she realizes with a jolt that it is names. It Emily's name, and Rosalyn's name. Beautifully intertwined._

 _2\. The second tattoo covers a scar on Emily's left hip. The scar is faded, maybe more than a decade old, but it still makes JJ shiver to look at. She can tell just by its location that there was a lot of blood. It runs in a straight line, and a line of script along the lower edge reads: Survival is insufficient._

 _3\. When Emily cries. She turns her head away, as though she is ashamed._

 _4\. When Emily falls asleep, her hands reach out, grasping at the air until JJ lets her fingers rest in her palms. Then Emily holds on with amazing strength. Even in her sleep._  
 _JJ does not know what would happen if she were to pull away. She never tries._

 _5\. Emily's worst nightmare is killing another human being._

 _6\. Emily has never once hesitated to kill an unsub. Not once._

…

… _  
_Detective William LaMontagne Jr. shows up at headquarters three days later. Garcia comes running into JJs office a bit after lunch time, her face full of excitement. "Oh – Em – GEE, JJ!" She says, pushing the door shut behind her. "You are supposed to be my best friend!"

JJ looks up from her paperwork, nonplussed by the outburst. Penelope accuses JJ of betraying their friendship at least twice a week.

"What's up Pen?" She asks, setting aside the current case she's reviewing.

Penelope stares at her as though this is the dumbest question she's ever heard. "What do you mean, ' _what's up?'_ Don't you _what's up_ me! You didn't tell me that you sealed the deal with that hunky southern detective!"

JJ's brain stalls. "W-what? Why would you-"

"It must be serious, too," Penelope continues, "for you to invite him here!" She steps back, surprised as JJ leaps to her feet.

"What?" she asks urgently, praying that she's heard wrong. "Will is here?"

Penelope nods, some of her excitement returning. "Yes!" she squeals. "Did you not invite him? Oh, he must have missed you." she clasps her hands together. "How romantic."

JJ makes it to the door of her office in two long strides. Looking out the door, she sees that Penelope is correct. Will LaMontagne stands in the bullpen, chatting amiably with Derek and Emily.

Fucking shit. Emily.

JJ feels her palms start to sweat as she leaves her office and descends the stairs to where the agents sit. She and Emily haven't talked about the days off they spent together. Emily didn't ask directly about her actions during the black out, and JJ was not about to volunteer that information up. She'd stayed that entire Sunday in Emily's condo, and though the time had at first felt like something just this side of obligation, by the evening, JJ found that she didn't want to leave.

She sat next to Emily on the couch, eating Thai food from the container, laughing until her ribs hurt.

In all of that time, in the fourteen hours that she spent with sober Emily, sharing everything from most embarrassing moments to favorite places ever traveled to, she had not once mentioned that she'd been secretly sleeping with the Louisiana Detective for almost four months.

She approaches the little cluster, and Morgan turns to grin at her, looking like the Cheshire Cat.

She narrows her eyes at him for a second, before inserting herself into the little group.

"Detective," she says, unable to do anything about the chill in her tone.

Will raises his eyebrows, but doesn't ask. "Hi, JJ," he says in the soft, gentle way that originally drew her to him. "I'm sorry to crash your party, here. I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd drop by. I saw Ms. Garcia downstairs, and she informed me that you were not on an active case."

 _Penelope._ JJ glances at Emily, who is looking at her phone with an offhand attention that seems too natural to be put on. "We're not on a case," she confirms. "You were in the neighborhood all the way from Louisiana?"

Will looks at her strangely, pausing a millimeter of a second too long for his hesitation to go unnoticed. Emily looks up from her phone, her interest caught.

"I have family in Virginia. Get up there at least a couple times a year to show them I haven't turned into a hillbilly."

JJ sees a change in Emily's face, though she cannot begin to describe it. Her look of bemusement doesn't change, exactly, but JJ can see the moment when the brunette has to actively work to keep it there.

Morgan gives Emily a significant look. He hasn't noticed anything. "Well, Prentiss and I have some stuff to do, reports to file and whatnot."

Emily chuckles. "The reports are worded much more eloquently than that excuse," she says, stepping around Will and gesturing to Morgan. "We'll get out of your way," she adds, with a grin at JJ that does not entirely reach her eyes.

As soon as they are around the corner, JJ spins back to face him. "We decided that we weren't going to visit each other at work," she says lowly.

Will nods. "You're right," he agrees. "We said that."

For some reason, this show of apparent submission only makes her angrier. She turns and heads back to her office, turning only once to make sure he is following.

As soon as they are inside, she closes the door.

"Listen, JJ," He begins in his slow drawl, "I know you're upset. But-"

"I am," she says over him. "You can't just waltz in here. What I do in my free time is not any of my teams business. And you're not my boyfriend. You don't get to-"

"But I'd like to be," he interrupts, and she pulls up short, staring at him.

"What?"

"I'd like to be, JJ," he repeats. "The other night, when we were together, and you left because of your emergency, I realized that I didn't want to see you walk away from me ever again."

JJ frowns. The words don't seem to be processing. "You want…to date me?"

"Yes," he nods. "I want people to know about us. I want everyone to see the awesome woman I've got."

JJ presses her lips together. "We said we weren't going to develop feelings," she says, and she feels somewhat vindicated when she sees him blush.

"Yeah," he agrees again. "We said that. I'm sorry, JJ."

"For coming to see me here, or for developing feelings?" she asks.

He grins lopsidedly at her. "The way you're looking at me right now? Both," he replies. "Look, I get that you're a different girl when you're at work. I'm sorry I intruded on that. But the cousin thing wasn't a lie. I do have a cousin in Virginia. And when I realized it was just a shot up the highway, I couldn't really say no."

JJ doesn't answer, because at that moment, Hotch knocks on her door.

"Sir?"

"JJ, there's been a development in that case you brought to my attention last week, Conference room in five." Behind him, JJ sees Spencer stop to look in the office, and Emily smacks him lightly on the back of the head and pull him along. She doesn't even glance at JJ.

"Yes Sir," she says. "I'll be right there."

Hotch nods briskly and closes the door softly. JJ turns slowly back to Will.

"Just think about it," he says, clearly realizing he is about to be kicked out. "Please."

"I'm not sure there's anything to think about, Will," JJ answers slowly. This is the truth and also, JJ realizes belatedly, maybe the reason she has kept the relationship from Emily. It does not go any deeper than sex, and everything about Emily seems to have meaning and depth.

If JJ were to sleep with Emily, it would mean something, for sure.

The thought comes unbidden, and then flies from her head before she can get a real grasp on it. She crosses her arms over her chest, though whether this is to bar the idea from returning, or to hold it closer, she could not say.

"Jayje?" She has gotten lost in her thoughts, and when she refocuses on Will, she sees that he has taken her new body language for rejection.

"You have to go now, Will," she says quietly. "I'll…call you. At the end of this case, okay?" Even as she says it she knows it isn't true.

Will is not a profiler. He takes her at her word. "Thanks," he says, meaning it. "Travel safely."

She ushers him out ahead of her. "Don't I always?"

…

…

 _Emily cries hard for Corrine. She presses the framed photograph of them to her chest and curls around it like a little girl. It is 11:45, and after throwing up most of the whiskey and scotch in her stomach, Emily seems a little less drunk and much more exhausted._

" _I miss them," she says, as JJ helps her back into bed and then follows her under the covers._

" _I know," JJ says, though she is growing surer and surer that she does not understand anything about this woman. And it is because she has not been looking._

" _I want you to know that…" Emily swallows. She looks right into JJ's eyes, and she appears completely sober. "I want you to know that whatever I feel about you…it doesn't matter. You don't have to be afraid of me. I won't hurt you."_

 _JJ frowns, not really understanding. "Lie down, Em," she says softly. "I'm not afraid of you."_

 _Emily obeys. "It's going to be different," she murmurs, eyes sliding shut. "I'll be better. You'll stay safe."_

 _But JJ snuggles down next to Emily, taking her hands, and she does not really register this last sentence. Not until much later._


	11. Chapter 11

_Is this how I die?_

JJ catches a glimpse of Emily's notepad on the jet home from Texas. The words written there, underlined several times, make her catch her breath.

 _Is this how I die?_

She looks down into her lap as Emily looks around at her, sliding the notepad to the far side of the desk in front of her.

"You okay?" she asks softly.

The rest of the cabin is dim. Everyone else is either asleep, or trying to fall into sleep. JJ can see that Emily wants to rest too, she won't though. Not in the company of so many she feel might judge her.

"Y-yeah," JJ says, still trying to process what she's seen. "I'm fine. Are you?"

Emily doesn't believe her. That much is clear. "Yes," she says, and then, "a bit tired."

The confession is a miracle to JJ. She puts her hand on Emily's arm, not pulling away when the other woman tenses. "Cases like that one are hard," JJ says. "It's hard when you…sympathize with the unsub. Or when you know someone who could be him."

They both glance at Spencer, sprawled across two seats a row ahead of them.

"Reid does not have that kind of anger inside of him," Emily says. "Suicide would have been more likely in his case. Not revenge."

JJ flinches away from the dispassionate tone of Emily's voice. She cannot imagine a world without Spencer Reid in it.

"I'm sorry," Emily says quietly. "I didn't mean to-" Emily shakes her head, looking out the window. "That was insensitive of me."

"No," JJ says. "You're right, I just don't like to think about it." She waits, but Emily doesn't respond. "But you're a profiler. It's what you do."

Emily shakes her head again. "No. It's wrong to profile teammates. We don't do it. Morgan told me as much during my first case."

They sit in silence for a while, listening to the hum of the plane. Emily flips the notepad shut on the table, pulling in a breath that comes out as a long, slow sigh.

"What were you like in high school?" JJ asks, hoping to distract Emily from whatever else was written on that notepad.

Emily glances sharply at her, and JJ realizes her mistake at once.

"I mean…before you came to Carlisle," she says quickly. "Where else did you live?"

Emily smiles faintly. "I spent the year prior to that in Geneva. And the two before that in Lebanon."

"Woah," JJ says impressed. "Wait, really?"

Emily nods, raising an eyebrow.

"So…you speak French?"

"Yes," Emily sounds wary, like she's afraid that JJ is going to make fun of her. "French is the language I speak the most fluently."

"You speak others?" JJ asks, leaning forward in her seat.

Emily's mouth twitches upwards. "Arabic, Italian, Spanish."

"Holy crap," JJ says, and her hand finds Emily's arm again. "That's amazing!"

Emily looks at her, searching her face for any sign of deception. "Not very well," she says. "Italian okay, but…the other two aren't very-"

"Do you know what language I speak, Em?" JJ asks with a laugh. "You're listening to it," she says when Emily raises her eyebrows.

She watches Emily laugh, a real, genuine sound that makes tears come to JJ's eyes, though she is not immediately sure why.

"Hey," she says when Emily looks at her again. "Do you want to hang out tonight?"

Emily's smile fades a little. She glances at her watch. "Unfortunately," she says "It will not be 'tonight' by the time we touch down. It's already 11:45."

JJ swallows. "So…then do you want to stay over at my house?" she asks.

Emily's smile disappears completely. "What?"

"It's closer to the office than yours is," JJ says quickly, "and we have to be back in the office for paper work at nine tomorrow anyway. My couch is nowhere near as comfortable as yours is, but I have a guest room…and I can throw in some extra pillows?" The last part comes out as a question, and she meets Emily's dark eyes, trying not to look nervous.

"You're inviting me over?" Emily asks quietly.

"Yeah," JJ says. "I don't know why this case is hitting me so hard, but…I sort of don't want to be alone."

Emily is silent for a long moment, weighing JJ's words against the barometer of truth inside of her.

"Okay," she says finally. "If you're sure."

JJ realizes that she hasn't been sure about anything until now.

…

…

A sound wakes JJ out of her sleep, and she rolls over, glancing at the clock as she does. It is 2:38 in the morning, only about an hour and a half since she and Emily arrived home and staggered off to bed.

She looks around at the door to the hall. She'd heard the floor creak, she's sure that's what is was.

JJ sits up, and listens, adrenaline spiking her heart rate, but keeping her still.

There, the noise again. The definite creak of a floorboard, further away this time, but unmistakable.

JJ climbs out of bed as quietly as possible, and makes her way into the hallway. She is in time to see a dark head descending the stairs to the first floor, and her panic is replaced immediately by confusion.

"Em?"

Emily freezes on the first landing, looking back up the stairs at her like a kid who's been caught stealing cookies.

"I'm sorry," she says, voice just above a whisper. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"Are you okay?" JJ asks, frowning. "Did you need something, or-"

Emily shakes her head, her hair falling over her shoulders. "No. I…no," she says. "I'm really sorry for waking you, JJ. I'm fine."

She turns and hurries the rest of the way down the stairs, leaving JJ to stand looking after her, puzzled. She hears the door to the guest room click shut, and then sees a dim, sliver of yellow light. Emily must have turned the light on in her room.

JJ stands on the stairs and crosses her arms over her chest, feeling a tad dejected. She'd thought that having Emily in her house would help to soothe the other woman's fears about sleeping. She'd thought Emily was unable to sleep without knowing where she was, but now that they are under the same roof, JJ thinks she must just have been narcissistic.

Assuming that Emily's issues with sleep are all about her.

She turns to head back to her room, and has just crossed the threshold when understanding hits her so hard that she gasps.

She whirls and runs back into the hall, descending the stairs quickly, and not waiting for an answer to her knock before pushing her way into the guest room.

Emily is sitting cross-legged at the desk just inside the door. Her leather notebook is open on the table, and she jumps when JJ enters, her pen falling onto the table.

"JJ?" Emily peers up at her, curious and nervous. She has washed all of her make up off, and she is dressed in flannel pants and a tank top, and the circles under her eyes and the pale length of her arms make JJ ache with tenderness.

She holds out her hands to the other woman, and when she takes them, she pulls Emily up to stand in front of her.

"JJ? What-"

"C'mon," JJ says pulling her forward. "Let's go to bed."

She flips the light switch on the wall, and then tugs Emily to the side of the bed, untucking the comforter.

"Oh," Emily lets out a breath as she realizes what is about to happen. "No. JJ, you should go back up-"

"You're exhausted," JJ states matter-of-factly. "You think I can't see that you're exhausted? Come on. Let's get into bed."

She steps back, waiting for Emily to slide in first. She knows that if she gets in without her, the brunette might bolt.

"C'mon," JJ says after ten seconds of silence. "My feet are cold."

It's hard to make out Emily's full expression in the darkness, but as she slides past her and gets into bed, JJ could swear that she is smirking.

"Well," Emily says softly, as JJ settles down beside her. "If your feet are cold."

As soon as they are under the covers, JJ turns into Emily, wrapping her arms around her waist with as much confidence as she is able to muster.

Emily's entire body tenses, and for a long time, she lies in JJ's arms, as stiff as a board.

It's almost a half an hour later, when JJ is just on the brink of sleep, that she feels Emily's body go limp. Arms come up around her shoulders to pull her closer, and she smiles, snuggling down deeper under the covers. She has to admit to herself that being this close to Emily feels nice.

She and Will had never cuddled, not before or after sex, and although she had done this first and foremost for Emily's sake…it wouldn't hurt anyone if it helped her too.

"Sleep tight," she murmurs against Emily's collarbone. "I'm right here."

Emily is already asleep.

…

 _JJ's first boyfriend's name is Tommy Dupond. He is a senior when she is a sophomore, and her parents dote on him as though he is already part of the family._

 _JJ likes the way the other girls at school look at her when she and Tommy walk by. She likes the way her mother packs extra homemade brownies in her backpack to give to him, cupping her cheek before she she leaves the house each day._

 _She does not like that going to his football games means that she misses Debate practice, or that his C- in the remedial math class he's taking earns him a congratulatory dinner, while her invitation to attend a leadership seminar over the summer in New York City is met with tears._

 _She does not like that her friends from the soccer team are slowly replaced by cheerleaders, all of them girlfriends of Tommy's friends. JJ has nothing in common with them. She does not want to discuss Prom, or how to eat what you want but avoid gaining weight._

 _Her best friend Hannah tells her that she has to make a choice. She is going to the NY leadership seminar in JJ's place. In the fall, if JJ goes out for cheerleading, Hannah will most likely start in her place on the soccer team._

" _It's up to you, Jayje," she says one day, as they jog the track during gym. "You buck tradition, or you fake it 'til you make it."_

 _JJ does not know how to explain that she doesn't have a choice at all._

 _Not after Roslyn._

…

They get four more hours of rest before JJ's blackberry pings them awake.

Well, it pings JJ awake, chiming loudly from the kitchen where she'd plugged it in. Emily does not even stir. In her sleep she has rolled onto her side, pressing her head into the space between JJ's shoulder blades, her arm loose around JJ's waist.

Emily sleeps as though she has not done so in years.

Trying desperately not to wake her, JJ wriggles out of bed and hurries into the kitchen. She doesn't want to be far away from Emily when she wakes up. She doesn't want to witness the spasm of terror that she sees when the other woman tries to locate her.

"Jareau," she says, picking up the call.

"JJ?" Hotch's voice is scratchy with sleep. "Why are you whispering?"

"I…sorry," JJ raises her voice just a little, stepping to the side in the hallway so that she will be visible immediately if Emily wakes up. "Did a case pop?"

"Yes," Hotch says, but not in the way you think. We just got a call from a detective in Miami, they've had three murders in the past five days, and the last one was an out of state detective, visiting on business."

JJ steps into the guest room, thinking of waking her houseguest, when the notebook on the desk catches her eye. Emily had been writing last night when JJ had entered. She hadn't had time to close it before JJ had made her get into bed.

Now, though she should be listening to Hotch, JJ stares down at the printed words written there in Emily's neat, minuscule handwriting.

 _How did I live? Was I kind enough and good enough? Did I love enough?_

 _Did I ever look up and see the moon and the stars in the sky?_

 _Why have I been sleeping?_

 _They say we are asleep until we fall in love_

 _We are children of dust and ashes_

 _But when we fall in love we wake up, and we are a God, and angels weep_

 _But if I die here tonight_

 _I die in my sleep._

"JJ?" Hotch's voice breaks through JJ's thoughts.

"Yeah," she says, turning from the desk. "I'm here."

"Wheels up in thirty, do you agree?" He asks, as though he is repeating himself. "I think it would be bad form to decline. We've worked with both of them previously."

"I – uh – agree, sir," JJ says, trying to catch up. "Wheels up in thirty. We'll – _I'll –_ be there."

She ends the call, turns around to wake Emily, and almost jumps out of her skin to see her sitting up in bed, looking dazed and curious and…well rested.

"Hotch?" she asks quietly.

"Yeah," JJ says, brandishing the phone. "Wheels up in thirty."

Emily nods and stretches, though she seems reluctant to get out of bed. "Which one?" she asks. "The one in Massachusetts? I didn't think they'd be able to work that profile you gave them."

"Uh, no," JJ says, trying to remember what Hotch had said. "This one involves, uh, people we know. Law enforcement we've worked with before." She looks up to see Emily's face darken for a brief moment, and it takes her a moment to put together why.

It's LaMontagne. It must be. JJ can think of no one else that would request their team as readily as Will would. Especially if it meant he got to see JJ again.

"I've got to call the team," she says, turning back towards the hall. "Coffee?"

"Please," Emily says. "JJ?"

JJ looks over her shoulder, Emily is still sitting in bed, though she now looks fully awake and alert.

"Thank you. For last night," she says softly.

JJ grins at her. "It's nothing," she says. "Really," and then because they are left just looking at each other, she smiles and nervously tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "Come on," she says, turning away again and dialing her phone. "Wheels up in 25 now."

She hears the sheets rustle behind her, and presses her phone to her ear, waiting for Morgan to pick up, forcing herself not to look back at the notebook, still open on the desk.

 _Is this how I die?_

…

 _JJ survives life in Carlisle, Pennsylvania, by walking a delicate line of rebellion and restitution. She does not quit soccer, despite her mother's insistence that it makes her muscles "too big for a girl," but she goes with her family every Sunday to church, and does not ever miss a Wednesday prayer meeting._

 _She dates only the boys her mother and father would approve of, but she takes a senior elective called "Crime Scenes and Forensics" her senior year, and hides FBI manuals in the back of her closet._

 _She is an only child, but she is still the good sister. There are no late night fights in her home anymore._

 _At least not until she tells them that she is going to College almost 500 miles away._

" _I'll visit, and I'll write, and I'll come home every summer," she says to her weeping mother and her ashen father. "This is what we wanted, remember? It's an amazing opportunity and I'll get a first rate education."_

 _Her mother had cried harder. Her father put his arm around her shoulders, and remained silent._

 _She'd gotten on the plane, in the end. And true to her word she'd come home at every opportunity. She'd make it up to them, somehow. She could still be the good sister, and balance out her absence with the things they always wanted for her:_

 _Marriage_

 _Children_

 _A Man to take care of her._

" _Write more," her mother had written, when she'd stayed on in DC to get her masters in Public Policy. "Tell us all about the fancy and handsome men up in the big city."_

 _JJ, as penance for her absence, always obliged._

…

It is Will LaMontagne. JJ missed the remainder of Hotch's explanation, but she is correct that he has requested their assistance.

They step off the jet in Miami, into crushing humidity, three dead men, and her lover, possibly boyfriend, his eyes on her at every turn.

"We need to talk," he says, as soon as they have a moment alone.

"Is that why you requested FBI presence here?" she asks under her breath. "Or is it because Miami PD wouldn't give you jurisdiction to investigate your partner's murder.

Will looks a little shocked at both accusations, but does not deny either. "You said you'd call me," he says, glancing around. "You said you call, and you didn't."

"I've been a little busy," JJ says, which is not a complete lie.

"Well I've been going a little crazy, JJ," he says. "I mean, Christ. I thought we had something really good going."

She had thought that too. Hadn't she?

"Hey Jen," Emily is there, next to her, hands in her pockets. "Sorry," she says, like an afterthought. "Hotch wants us all in the meeting room." She nods at Will with half a smile, and then turns and moves off towards their designated room. JJ follows, shooting Will a look that does not give him any choice but to stay behind.

"He's not bad looking," Emily says neutrally as they walk away. When JJ looks around at her, wide-eyed, she tries at a smile. It doesn't completely set on her face.

"I'm sorry, Emily," she says before she can lose her nerve. "For not telling you about Will. I just…it was just sex. I didn't want you to – I – didn't want you to think I was just some slutty, blonde, ditz." JJ keeps her voice low, but she picks up the pace, trying to get everything she wants to say out before Emily cuts her off.

"And then he gets all these _feelings_ ," she says, watching Emily's face flicker. "And I don't know if that's what I want. I mean…how would it even work? And what, I'm supposed to just jump on a plane every weekend? Or he is?"

Emily has been trying to interject, but now she puts her hand on JJ's shoulder squeezing gently.

"Woah, hey, JJ. Take a breath," she says with a chuckle.

JJ does, smiling at how Emily waits for a long second before continuing.

"Is he good to you?" she asks quietly.

This catches JJ off guard. "What?"

Emily frowns slightly. "Is he treating you okay? It's just that, he doesn't seem too thrilled that his former partner was gay, and that..." she looks away, "He's not too pushy or anything. Right?"

JJ would hug her, if they were alone. "No," she says, taking Emily's hand off her shoulder and linking their fingers together. "No, he's fine. I mean," JJ smirks. "You know he hasn't tried anything…He's still breathing isn't he?"

Emily's laugh makes Will look down the hall at them again. JJ can see him watching them out of the corner of her eye, but she doesn't drop Emily's hand. Emily looks at their interlaced fingers with something like wonder.

"C'mon," Emily says after a moment. "Hotch is waiting."

…

"He's pretending."

Emily's voice makes them all look around at her.

"What's that?" Hotch asks, leaning forward a bit. "He's pretending to be them until he can't anymore. Because whoever he is isn't something he can face."

They all sit with this statement for a long moment, until Rossi nods. "That fits," he says. "He gets to live the life that was always forbidden."

"Yeah, but then it gets too real, and he starts the cycle over," Morgan puts in.

"He's gay," Reid says. "But someone told him it wasn't okay."

"They did more than tell him, Reid," Emily says darkly. She's been writing, furiously, during the meeting, but as they all stand, listening to Hotch's instructions, she pulls the piece of paper out of the notepad and crumbles it up, dropping it into the wastepaper basket as she and Morgan leave.

JJ lingers long enough to be the last one out of the meeting room, and when no one is looking, she pulls the piece of paper out and shoves it into her back pocket.

"JJ," Reid calls. "Come on!"

"Coming," she calls back.

The paper in her pocket feels like it is burning.

…

She sends Will away.

Will is perfect. He is into her, and he is handsome. He is small town, polite, the quintessential gentleman.

JJ can keep him. She can write home about him. She can _bring_ him home, and her parents will love him.

But she cannot bring herself to ask him to stay.

"Are you okay, JJ?" Emily has come up beside her noiselessly, making her jump.

"Yeah," she says, knowing she doesn't sound convincing. She feels Emily take a breath.

Emily bites her lip for a split second. "If you want to be with him, then I think you should be. If he's good to you, and he wants you too, then the other things will come."

JJ blinks, startled. She knows that Emily has been simply tolerating Will for her sake these last few days. It had made her feel slightly betrayed. She'd thought that Emily was beginning to show her a more genuine side. They'd slept in the same bed half a dozen times.

"You think I should go after him?" she asks.

Emily leans against the rail, her eyes on the retreating back of the detective. JJ can see that even though the case has come to an end, it is still on Emily's mind.

"I think," she says finally. "That life is too short to worry about what could go wrong. You've got to say you want it, and then go get it." She turns to head back inside.

"Thanks, Em," JJ calls after her.

She gets a wave over the shoulder in return.

…

It's much later when JJ remembers Emily's discarded paper in the back of her pants. She'd ended up calling will from her room later that night, unwilling to let him disappear completely, but keeping the conversation vague enough that he didn't automatically think they were a couple.

"I want to be with you, JJ," he'd said, before hanging up. "And I'm tired of pretending otherwise."

"Tired of pretending," JJ sighs to herself, standing to get ready for bed.

She unbuttons her jeans and slides them down, and that is when she feels the folded paper in her back pocket.

Excitement and apprehension spark through her. She pulls out the note and smooths it, forcing herself to lower her expectations.

 _Is this how I die?_

 _pretending, and preposterous. and dumb…_

 _All of my life I spent searching the words of poets and saints and prophets and kings._

 _And now at the end, all I know that I've learned, is that all that I know is I don't know a thing._

 _So easy to close off_

 _Place the blame outside_

 _Hiding in my room at night so terrified_

 _All the things I could have been but I never had the nerve. Life and love…I don't deserve_

 _So all right, all right_

 _I've had my time_

 _Close my eyes_

 _Let the death bells chime_

 _Bury me in burgundy_

 _I just don't care nothing's left_

 _I've looked everywhere_

 _Is this how I die? Was there ever any other way my life could be?_

 _Is this how I die?_

 _Such a storm of feelings inside of me?_

 _But then why am I screaming? am I screaming?_

 _Why am I shaking?_

 _God, was there something that I missed?_

 _Was happiness within me the whole time?_

 _They say we are asleep until we fall in love_

 _And I'm so ready._

 _To wake up._

…

JJ pushes the door to Emily's hotel room open. She'd flashed her badge at the woman at the front desk to get the keycard without an ID.

The room is dark, but a figure sits up in bed as soon as the door clicks shut.

"JJ?" Emily's voice is alert. She wasn't sleeping. "What happened? Are you-"

She breaks off abruptly as JJ pulls back the covers and slides into bed with her, wrapping her arms around her waist, just like she had last week, at her house in Quantico.

"Shh," she says, pressing her face to Emily's collarbone. "Let's go to sleep."

"But what about-"

"Shh," JJ insists. She kisses the skin under her mouth, and feels Emily go statue still. "Six hours till we fly home," she says softly. "Go to sleep."

She waits until she feels Emily relax to close her eyes.

"What are you doing?" Emily whispers into the silence. "Jen? You don't have to be here if you don't want-"

But JJ shakes her head against Emily's shoulder, shushing her again. "Life's too short," she whispers. "Night, Em."


End file.
